My training log and thoughts

 30.11.2023 Kind of a nice day. Feeling very calm. Not much is happening. That thing I talked about earlier, the new opportunity? Cancelled. No big deal. Hey, it felt like something was happening, at least. That felt good. Fulfillment. But I'm just gonna stick to being calm and, I guess, ascetic to a small degree? I ain't been feeling like I need a lot of stuff. And, it is, of course, not exactly correct, but, oh well, it's less than what I used to want back in the day. Woke up feeling a little thirsty. Not hungry. Decided to go for coffee right away. Yesterday was not a very fatiguing workout. I experimented with hip position on the last set, as evident from yesterday's video. That was interesting. Matt Venna helped me to change my mindset with one of his videos - cause when techiqnue changes it's not a big deal. That guy is a quintessential powerlifter, which means he is deeply flawed, but at least he knows some stuff about what he's doing. Alright, I don'...

 29.11.2023 Nice day. Woke up early again (at the alarm). Slept strange. Fell asleep shortly after midnight yesterday, woke up, went back to sleep. The temperature's been making me feel weird. Worked, had one coffee. One moka. 20 grams, double ground, but it tasted mediocre. Make one with 16 grams, once ground - it's better. Strange. Maybe you lose the taste if you grind too much. That makes sense. Week 9, Session 1 - 4 sets of 6 with 75%. Just 240 kgs. Well, never disrespect the seemingly light weight. I'm getting back into it. I got mini-sick on Sunday, had a shotty Monday, Workout Putting on clothes and equipment for warmup Deadlift 70 for 8 120 for 6 feels nice I tell you 160 for 6 overhand grip, and not just overhand, but more like fingertips, flexing em up and down 200 for 6 - one rep overhand, five with changed mixed grip (right underhand) 240,3 for 6 - not bad, first rep was slipping in my hands cause I applied liquid chalk and it was still wet. Wore straps on the ...

 28.11.2023 I felt kinda ill yesterday. Today's better. Woke up with my alarm, couldn't go back to sleep, cooked a large breakfast, could only eat a small part of it, felt like sleeping again, but I remembered how sometimes it goes away after a 20 minute nap. It did so. Good days, honestly. I don't write about when hard stuff happens. Well, I do, but not as much. Sometimes I even conceal things, heh. Some things that would be stressful to me later. Anyway, today felt nice and is feeling nice. I had a conventional 17 gram brew. Tastes awesome. But it's the only one I'll have today. I'd like a nice bench workout. Nothing too hard, just eights with a heavy enough weight. It's off the program. I have better luck in the first half of the program. Workout Some warmup Bench press 20 for 35 50 for 20 70 for 20 - nothing feels painful and creaky today. Thank God! 100 for 20 - nice, felt easier than last time. Still kinda struggled in the end 100 for 20 - easier, slig...

 27.11.2023 Nice day. Didn't sleep very nice. Nervous, pain in my leg from wrong squatting. Took a lot of different pills. I don't normally do that. Well, just to be clear - I took two melatonins and one painkiller pill (nsaid) last night, as well as my vitamins. It bothered my throat, I kept feeling like they're stuck in there. In general I felt alright. Ate too much nasty stuff. Too much sugar. Had fewerish repetitive dreams, unpleasant. Woke up before the right time a few times, then it got cold and I had to add pressure in the heater. Took a caffeine pill when I "finally" woke up, then gave a lesson - downstairs, for once. In the last few months I've developed an incorrect habit of giving lessons only from my room, while there are nice spots downstairs. During and after the lesson my stomach kept hurting. It's sort of obvious it must have been the pain pill, just like aspiring that gave me lesions in 2017 (they healed). Ate a little, it helped. Now I...

 26.11.2023 Lovely day. Slept okay, woke up cold again, some plans cancelled, worked, ate plentifully. Had three mokas already. Hmm. It's about to run out on Wednesday, by my approximation. I did heavy OHP exactly a week ago. Yesterday was not a very easy session. I also did bench and light-medium OHP on Tuesday and Thursday. Hmm. I guess today might be another proper time for a light workout. I expect to have full CNS power tomorrow, provided I don't damped it today. Have some plans this week. New stuff to do, hopefully. Should be a lot of fun. It will be Week 10, Session 2. Big weights in OHP - tomorrow. Today I straight up wanna work on my legs more. It's good. Also, free me from lactic acid. Yeah, I have a few nice things in mind. Made a moka rebrew again. It tastes bad now 😂 Workout Some upper a lower body warmup, some of it even intense. Squat variations, gentle stretches, lower body moves. The warmup took a while - I was writing. That felt okay. Squat 3 sets of 10 -...

 25.11.2023 So, one month to western Christmas. I get to celebrate it twice, hehe. Not for any reason beside that I want to. Frankly, I remember we just forgot to switch our calendars in the early XXth century, and it was all planned, it just didn't go through for no reason. So, my last session was off the program. Maybe I just wanna reset the whole thing again. Since 200 is defo just too light. Week 1, Session 1 with maxes being 220-240? I can see myself doing that. Just 150 kgs for 4 sets of 8, making sure to keep it all easy. And if we really want we jump back in there. Yes, let's go through with this. Budget coffee exporation - I've re-brewed the second moka I had today. It's about the same as when you rebrew the conventional pot. A bit of a papery smell and taste. But it's good, I believe, for when you want just a little more and don't want to make a third one. Workout Warmup - lower body moves, gentle shoulder stretching with a pvc pipe Squat 50 for 8 100...

 24.11.2023 Monday - Saturday. It makes a lot of sense, cause it's exactly how I planned it. So, today we're not gonna squat, but we are going to have a light workout. It's a really nice day. Woke up much earlier than normal. Tried to go back to sleep, but couldn't. Worked, ate, fell asleep again just a little. Flying dreams. Woke up, had a conventional brew, worked, just finished a moka. Want more. Ah. Well, lucky for me I miscalculated and I'm actually not finishing my moka, but only started it. I have almost two full cups (small coffee cups, admittedly), cold but still very savory. Alright. We're not gonna fool around too much. Yesterday we stressed our shoulders and pumped our bicep. Today we'll focus a little on lats and even less on legs, just priming them up for tomorrow ever so slightly. It's a nice sort of a split, if you will, believe it or not. Lats, bicep and legs. Workout Warmup - rubber pulls, double folded two sets with both arms, one set ...

 23.11.2023 Lovely day. I woke up early from cold. Strange how easy it was. That's cause I got enough sleep on Tuesday, perhaps. Tomorrow might be difficult. My natural high is continuing from yesterday. Feels great. Had a lovely caloric breakfast, not very varied in nutrients, but there were healthy fats. Napped for a while. Did something important in preparation for what I was supposed to be doing. It was difficult for me, I was procrastinating for a while. An insight into other people's mind. I sound like a very old man on the phone. Hehe. Or like a very intrusive person. Thank God it's not as bad as it used to be. Natural high, I love it. I think there was a Hammerfall song, I might have even had it on CD when I used to love power metal a lot. I loved the idea, the beautiful clear image that the conventional power metal provided. Nowadays I'm a mushroom man. Today is supposed to be Week 10, Session 2 - 4 sets of 2 with 87,5% . Hmm. Could be reasonable. It depends. 1...

 22.11.2023 Nice day. Something about today feels right. There are still some issues, but let's be real - they're all surface issues, don't really require a lot of attention one way or another. I'm being kynical. Slept well enough. Maybe even too much - I didn't need as much sleep after yesterday. A good thing, I only had a small conventional pot brew yesterday. Today I'm feeling right. That feels good. Week 8, Session 2 - 2 sets of 3 with 80%, 3 sets of 1 with 87,5%. Interesting. I've been hooked onto all the First Amendment / anti-police content on youtube lately. This is all so exciting and stressing me out a little. Yeah, I know, culture wars and all, divide and conquer. I'm being affected by a movement not really meant for me. America is quite the wonderland, I tell you. Motherland is too, but in different ways. I've been in a bit of a moot enjoying my writing, a little uninspired. It's a part of the process. Life goes in waves. One step at ...

 21.11.2023 Nice day. Slept way too much. Only to be expected - two heavy workouts in a row, and setting a small PR? I had the loveliest dreams. They involved flying and telekinesis, as they always did since I was a child. Nutrition has been decent, but not perfectly balanced. I've been giggling at memes so much. It's past midnight rn. I just wanna do some light bench. 4 sets of 10, keep my pecs alive. Workout Warmup - some Bench 20 for 20 50 for 20 only a little creaky 70 for 10 80 for 10 a tiny bit better 100 for 20 - I felt too lazy to do 2 sets of 10. Nice, although last two reps were pretty ugly. Let's hope thse efforts tonight can bring my pecs into better shape. I oughta do 40 reps, that would be a PR. Loose technique, admittedly, when I did my 100 for 34. The range might have been way shorter. Flys, full range, explosive 2 kg dumbbells for 15 6 kg dumbbells for 2 sets of 15 - immediate pump of traps and shoulders, feels good. Starting the movement with an explosive ...

 20.11.2023 Nice day. I had the loveliest dream. Had a semi-decent meal, which is something I've been missing out on. Nutrition can be rated 65/100 today. Today I'd like to squat. Not sure how. Follow the program or go a bit more by feel? I wanna do triples. Up to a big weight. It'll be awesome. So, I guess we're sort of off the program, but we are gonna do heavy weights. Maybe even max out soon. Well, something of the sort. I don't plan to dedicate too much effort - maybe some - in order to squeeze my strength abilities. Now it's pretty late. I've had two coffees, feeling just a little sleepy somehow, but still okay. Workout Warmup - varied, long, upper and lower body Squat 50 for 10 100 for 5 150 for 3 nice, pretty easy 160 for 3 nice, short break here 170 for 3 alright. Some shin pain - price of flexibility. 180 for 3 - I've done two pauses. I have to stop doing pauses when I don't need to. I haven't really learned to bounce in this type of sq...

 19.11.2023 Nice day. Feeling better than yesterday. Nervous system is coming back up. But I don't know what to train today. My nutrition and sleep have sort of been subpar. But today it's a little better. I just felt like I have enough CNS power to do it. So I will do it. Also, I can do most of the warmup upstairs, since the ez bar is still loaded to 47. I can start with 70 downstairs. Workout Warmup - pretty long, some clean and presses with 47 kg ez bar, some L-flys - slow, in the middle of the overall range. Static-dynamic, perhaps? Not sure if this word fits. Some stick work - front rack and overhead stretches, nothing violent. Overhead press 20 70 for 6 90 for 5 a little awkward and uneven, but easy enough  113 for 2 okay 115 for 2 smooth. Not pefectly strict, I admit. 115 for 2 slightly better 115 for 2 a little awkward again, concentration went a little off. Might have taken an overly long break. 115 for 2 lovely. Not as good as earlier sets, but still decent and effor...

 18.11.2023 Kinda of a weird day. Feeling very normal. Better than yesterday. Feeling lazy and calm in my head. Almost nothing. Low appetite. Has to be the weather. Now it's almost midnight. I'm finishing my third coffee, a simple brew. Not very smart. But I need a decent workout today. I thought I could alleviate this nothing-feeling by just waiting and having another coffee, but I guess no. Oh well. Next stop is Monday then. Tomorrow will be light as well. Today we'll do everything we've been wanting to do, but sort of missing out on. I'm thinking curls, pushups, squats. Make blood move again, but feel easy. The plan is simple - warmup that  utilizes lats, some curls, some shoulder warmup and pushups, and some squats with kettlebells. I had a lot of sugary stuff with my coffee. Maybe that wasn't right. Most of the time I don't get so much of that kind of stuff in my diet. Workout Warmup - lat rubber pulls, light, many reps, some light curls. Curls 6+6 kg d...

 16.11.2023 Nice day. CNS fatigued from yesterday, a little. Not gonna squat today. Tomorrow, a better day for it. Last night I finally played RDR2 story a bit more. Got away from Guarma. I'm not a good writer. The best I aim for is "not the worst". Heh. I can only write diaries, really. Workout Rubber band pulls, one arm 2 sets of 20 very light 3 sets of 20 folded in two Floor-supported ring pullups 2 sets of 20 a tiny pump, keeping it all very easy Calf raises / toe raises superset 2 sets of 20 Calf jumps - I even went downstairs for it 2 sets of 20 Squat 2 sets of 20 That's about it for today. BW squats are underrated, should be done more often by everyone. 17.11.2023 Nice day. Just realised today that I did get scammed with the coding school a lot more than I thought even. My advice? Never sign a document you didn't read and discuss. And I mean it - it's not a joke. It's a hrd lesson to learn, you'd think, cause even though your mind understand wha...

 15.11.2023 Lovely day. Great dreams, even if intense occasionally. Decent food. Week 8, Session 1 - 4 sets of 3 with 82,5%. Hmm. So, up to 265 again. Haven't I done it recently? Yes, all according to program. May want to go heavier overall. I've been playing a lot of games simultaneously. All the hype about GTA6. Been playing GTAV, RDR2 and IV. Well, I've only played online versions of V and RDR2. IV is very atmospheric. So horribly optimized. Workout Deadlift 70 - 120 - 163 - 203 233 for 3 mixed grip 260,6 for 3 - 2 reps mixed grip, one with straps. All pretty easy. 0,6 is because I decided to take off large collars and put on two pairs of spring collars. Deth metla makes me feel like I'm on a train, in my large headphgones 😁 260,6 for 3 very nice, slow but smooth, not tiring 263 for 3 nice, about the same 265,5 for 2+1 - the third one was a fail, I was disjumbled a bit, if you will, cause i switched from deth metla to Manowar and they got a lyrical break in their s...

 14.11.2023 Very nice day. Slept and ate well, 75/100. Feeling conventionally good for once. Had 15 grams of arabica in an oldschool pot brew, eye-measured the water - it was okay, above average. Gotta drink it while it's hot. Not much today. Had a moderate meal, I think I'm gonna have a high-rep workout to direct some blood to my pecs. I touched my pec tonight and it felt a little weird, like the upper part is separating from lower part. It happens to a lot of people, a small micro-tear that changes the shape. It's only a hypothesis, however, quote it with this caveat. That's why it's important that I should do more high reps. Workout Warmup - just some L-flys (including static positions) and movements with a stick Bench 20 for 20+ reps, feeling 60 for 12 80 for 10 left pec feels awkward. I'm a wooden man today. Everything feels a little creaky and awkward. 90 for 10 a tiny bit better 90 for 10 eh, can't say it's feeling better now. Decided to lower the...

 13.11.2023 Nice day . Woke up, doing some new stuff. Maybe I'll get a chance to do an interesting job. Something I feel like I can do well. Not going "there", hehe, that's not what I'm talking about. Had a caffeine pill, buzzed for a couple hours. After my indulging yesterday I convinced myself I wasn't hungry. Had a couple mokas and some snacks. Today's supposed to be kinda heavy. Gave an excited lesson too. So, I'm not exactly sure what I need to do today. I've done my squats on Saturday, like I think I was supposed to. Last OHP was on Thursday. I think we could try to do a split extra-volume oldschool overhead workout. Both OHP and PP. Week 9, Session 2 - 4 sets of 3 with 82,5%. Hmm. I'm thinking of 3 of 3 with OHP and slightly more weight, a few triples with PP. Makes sense? So, 110-113 for OHP and around 128 for PP? That's gotta make sense, right? My pecs have been so stiff. Not the muscle, but the outline of connective tissue on top...

 12.11.2023 Nice day. Not much happening. Woke up, worked. Getting neutral, moving there. I've agreed I need to sort of go back to working out 4 days a week, but every day training experiment has proved succesful - I'm better in almost every way except for my CNS. My training evens itself out automatically. The only real problem, I suspect, is my caffeine consumption level. So, today I've only had a small 10 gram oldschoow brew. It was moderately okay, 4/10, a little too thin but it was nice while it was hot. Ever since Wednesday some of my natural liquid humors have taken a step back, one more reason to suspect above average stress level. Yes, because I had I generate additional effort on Wednesday to crawl out of a CNS hole I fell in on November 2nd. So, not much is changing, except some caffeine abstinence. Also I took a caffeine pill today when I woke up. They've been proving to be sort of weak and quick-acting compared to liquid coffee. After all, your body is figh...

 11.11.2023 Today's supposed to be squat, Week 10 Session 1 - 5 sets of 2 with 85%. So, we shoud be lifting around 190-200, I guess. Nothing too heavy. It's kinda way too late, even though I woke up relatively early. feeling kinda hazy today. Nothing too problematic though. I gotta admit though, I am not sure if it's the most apt range for today. It kinda makes more sense to restart this microcycle and go a little heavier. I'm not ready for 85%, just purely mathematically. So, we're gonna go back to Week 9, Session 1 repeated . 4 sets of 6 with 75%. Nothing to worry about. We'll go heavy enough. Workout Warmup - squat variations, some wrist stretches. Squat 50 for a few reps 100 for 6 with some pauses, some more warmup for stabiler muscles. 140 for 6 nice. Gritted my front teeth unpleasantly in one moment. Wore wraps underknee. 160 for 6 nice enough, kinda better than previous set 170 for 6 okay. Kinda mentall fatiguing. The weight was easy enough, but somethin...

 10.11.2023 Nice day. Woke up early for once, had a caffeine pill, stayed up. Does that mean I might wake up early tomorrow too? Perhaps. Been feeling inbetween. Not too bad. Just, like, need to vibe out and around, rather than fall inwards, if that makes any sense, hehe. Today I think I just wanna have a little pyramid - or a stairway - we discussed it before. So much stuff's been happening the the openai company. I wonder if we'll get a chance to try that 128k context model without any jumping through hoops. I'm thinking of sort of mirroring my yesterday's OHP in bench, but lighter. I know - I suspect it to be most likely - that squat will end up overstretching my pecs. So, it's improtant for me to pace myself today. Perhaps we'll just work up to 120-130 for 3 to 4 sets, no more. All very easy, depending on what I think my max can be. My factual max is 150, heh. Just never maxed out. Workout Warmup - upper body, varied, pecs and shoulders are cramping up. Hmm....

 09.11.2023 Nice day. Feeling inbetween. Slept and ate well enough, 7/10. CNS is on the down low since yesterday. Had nice dreams, don't remember what. Having my second coffee - it's pretty late. Thinking of just doing some OHPs. Week 9 Session 1 - 4 sets of 6 with 75%. Yeah, I think I'll just try to do cleans and some OHPs. A hundred for working weight should suffice. Workout Warmup - flys, stick work, front racks, press variations, even front squats with my ez bar, putting on workout clothes. Overhead press 50 - the same kind of stuff as warmup, one front squat 50 for 8 70 for 6 Agh, I need to play the darn BG3 again 😆 So much stuff I missed out on! The game doesn't feel cozy like TES games do per se, but they do feel free, adventurous, liberating. Or maybe I should try Divinity games. I've read about the first one back when gaming magazines were around, not too long ago. Ah, what a couple decades. The transitional period. Well, actually, gaming magazines existe...

 08.11.2023 Nice day, sort of. Speculating I might be ill again or something. Low energy. Drained CNS. Can't do anything. Well, we'll see. Sleep and nutrition okay, can't say I can measure them anymore. Week 7, Session 2 - 5 sets of 4 with 80% again, Been here a lot of times. That's how you build it in advance. 240 kgs then. Workout Warmup - none 70 for 5 doubting myself 70 for 8 a little better 120 for 5 same 163 for 4 203 for 4 all overhand. Not sure, but it might be a small PR? Every rep has gotten better. Although, I admit, I was taking long distracted breaks. Ever since my "attempt" I've just been broken, man, I could not get myself to have an oldschool workout with music and dopamine and endorphins. It feels like it's been ages since I've had a proped oldschool workout. 243 for 4 - kinda slow and lazy, two reps hook grip and two with straps Watching that Wranglestar channel. Kinda vibing. realising him and I sort of share the attitude about ...

 07.11.2023 Nice day. Too late to start my workout again. I was gonna do some bench. I'm realising it's one of those I'd nned to sacrifice tomorrow's performance. I need to catch up to myself. Broken inside of my head. Some stuff's coming back again. It's alright. Just don't shake it too hard. Workout Flys (not flies) and their variations with 2 kg dumbbells - three sets - L-flys, full range flys, bent over back and side flys. You know, now that I think about it, "flys" does sound awkward, even after all this time. Ah, no matter. Then about the same with 6 kg dumbbells - 3 sets. Ls, fronts, bent over back and sides. Sides are super hard, especially when you try to fix the weight and stay static. Muscle all tight. Got pretty limber in the end. Have some taxing CNS work tomorrow. I ain't gonna be letting the darkest of emotions to seep through. It doesn't matter. I don't care about that shit. Just shut your mouth and keep going. Status qu...

 06.11.2023 Lovely day. Felt horribly lazy at first. Worked later, at some, decent. Had two coffees, played guitar with my little brother. Got a headache after watching the screen from an unconventional angle. Probably just something with bloodflow. Not sure what to lift today. Honestly, almost no idea whatsoever. I feel like going for heavy-ish OHP would not be the brightest idea. Also, yesterday didn't turn out to be quite a light day. Maybe I could do some lat work today. Workout Some bicep and lat warmup with rubber A set of two underhand pullups - they sure do hurt a lot everywhere, super tight everything. Need more warmup. Floor-supported ring pullups - 2 sets of 10 Maybe I should just do some form of ring pullups, very comfortable in a way. A set of 4 ring pullups, trying not to push off the floor as the isn't quite enough space to hang. My pec tendons are way too overloaded, getting pulled on by other muscle. Perhaps I should just keep doing it in low reps, although I...

 05.11.2023 Nice day. Slept pleasantly, but not enough. Did some stuff, worked. Trying to control my mood - it's good, it's going nice. Smooth pleasant feeling. Don't feel like sharing everything somehow. I need to heal, the wounds are still there, but it doesn't hurt. Just gotta not let em start bleeding again. Feels good. Not sure what I'll be doing today. I've been going a little too light for a long time. Thinking, perhaps, a heavy OHP tomorrow. Today? No idea, just don't know. Workout Flys (full range, roughly emulating my OHP angles) 2 kg dumbbells - 1 set of 15 6 kg pair - 2 sets of 15 8 kg pair - 3 sets of 15 Lovely. Gotta never allow myself to make this exrcise "strict", but focus on power and velocity while the weight is light enough to not shift the load from the shoulders. All the strict moves are simply not useful to me. And I do get a nice pump. One arm press, bottom up 16 kg kettlebell, one set per arm 20 reps right / 20 left - hand ...

 04.11.2023 Nice day. Got enough sleep, food decent too. Feeling just good. Kinda smooth. Had one and a half mokas so far. Really overfilled, actually, well fed. It's kinda late. Tomorrow might be a relatively busy day. So, what are we going in squats today? Agh. I might not be able to go as heavy as I wished. I think we did 4o3 again, right? Ideally, you're want 5o2 today, with even heavier weights, but I am forced to be prudent. It would have been Week 10, Session 1 . But we'll just go lighter, but add decent volume. Workout Warmup - a lot of leg moves and squat variations. Keeping my pecs in mind - I'd like to not overstretch them today. So, some shoulder and pec moves too. Squat 20 - 50 - 100 140 for 5 nice 150 for 5 after a short break - also nice, pretty easy. Shins straining, but okay. 160 for 5 nice, all easy My shins are kinda mega-strained. I leaned my body onto it against the bed and the pain was surprising, fast and permeating. I need to do more calf work, ...

 02.11.2023 Nice day. Slept well, ate moderately. Feeling messy. Almost done something no-so-good (to myself). Had one moka, tasted nice. Decided it was too late to have more. Gonna do PPs - maybe medium-light ones - and squats, perhaps heavy-medium ones tomorrow. Today I'll just do some very light and simple work. Workout Rubber pulls 3 sets of 15 light rubber 2 sets of 15 one arm 2 sets of 15 one arm, heavy rubber. Might be lighter than double folded light rubber. Curls 6+6 kg dumbbells - 3 sets of 15 Squats 4 sets of 10 Surprisingly nice feeling after second set of squats. My mobility is improving, no longer as painful to move my ankles way past knees with feet all the way on the floor. I can feel muscle around my shin and outer ankles flexing in a way I didn't feel before. Just a little deep dive on a very small detail. 03.11.2023 Yesterday was one of the worst days in my life. Perhaps I should put a disclaimer or something, but, well, I'd rather speak very vaguely, it...

 01.11.2023 Nice day. Even though I had a diluted caffeine pill yesterday and had a barbell workout in the garage, I had none of that overhyped effect. There's something about coffee that is not just caffeine. Today I got my coffee delivery. Fresco Arabica Solo. I assume the name implies there's no sneaky robusta inside. I'm okay with robusta, it's nice on occasion, and mixes can be nice too. But I prefer just arabica most of the time. So, I genuinely fell asleep yesterday. Sort of a rare occurence. Not eating that much seems to have helped my stomach. I woke up actually in the morning and had a nice breakfast, then slept a couple more hours. All of that narration makes me look like a lazy bastard. Maybe I am, who knows. All I know is I've already broken into pieces but not fallen apart yet. I cannot tolerate an even slighest mean thing towards me. I am horribly fragile nowadays. I'll fall apart and I'll make you watch. Beside that, it's all okay. We jus...