September 24th - Nice and easy DL 250 for 4 sets of 5 working on power and a tiny bit of SLDL

 24.09.2025

Blood meridian, all that scalping shit - it's exactly like them fucking sparrows in china, or snakes in india under british raj. Fucking british. Or like mouse tails in vietnam, except in that case mouses were left to live. Isn't that all funny, real funny?

I've been a mess, I've been borderline ill. Brain feeling inflamed although i know there is no such thing as brain inflammation. I wanna train, I've been feeling like shit and training is the only way to fix it.

I've been obsessed with my book, in my head, thinking nonstop all the while feeling lowered energy. It's not fair to assume I've been like that cause I set PRs, no no. When I failed at my DL I burned up, now I set a couple rep prs in bench and squat and apparently I'm a limp piece of fish. No way. I've been getting angry. Interesting.

Need it. I need more. I'll have what I'm having.

I wanted to tell you about the book. The book I've been obsessed with. It's become something else. It was born out of an egodeath, a new ego that twisted itself and me. A semi-auto-biographical book, despite some mystery/fantasy content. Well, I *have* seen some shit, hehe. Not diagnosed with any schizo shit or nothing. That's why you never tell anyone about the stuff you see. The book is good enough. But it's got a fairly small amount of that "extra" stuff, a lot of metaphorical, typological stuff. Spaul, that's who AB is. AB, what does it stand for? A monomyth, that's what it is. Step two, that's what I will do or wish to do. Prove I don't piss my pants as a rule, not just on a lucky chance. Bravery is not pissing your pants. Agh. That kinda pain, like you're tweaking a finger in the wound. Really itchy. Gotta tear off the scab. My fucking shin, it's got that disgusting scar now. Fuck me.

Deadlift, yes. 250 for 4 sets of 5, that's what I'm thinking. Make that bitch easy as fuck. Make if fly like fucking 70 kgs. And after that, after 4 sets - something else. (stiff leggers)

Heed my own advice, try to write after training. Cause I'll finally write about the deadlift again. I've gone back in time, have I mentioned that? I have a "draft" material lasting from June 2003 to April 2004. But the main story takes place, the actual "book" of one character, of Marco, takes place from June to December 2003. Contained in 2003. He is the one, not only one but the one. He is the one. Someone, something. Not "something", but A thing. Yes. Flesh. Touching, sensing, twitching, bleeding, pulling at fucking scabs. Forgotten pain, no more pain. Only feeling.

Coffee. Fuck robusta, seriously. Seriously, fuck that stupid shit. Not only does it come from bad kind of farming, it suck fucking ballsack in terms of taste. Caffeine is a surgical tool. The way you take it really changes how you feel. That's one of the reasons most energy drinks suck fucking ballsack. They just suck. Put more fuckign vitamins in there, expensive ones. Guarana sucks. Tea doesn't suck, tea is good, refreshing. Robusta? Throw that fucking shit in the trash. Fuck it. It sucks ass, it tastes like rotten donkey ass, it makes you feel like shit. Have some arabica laddie. Some good ol cowboy, conventional brew. A man's brew, not a dumb bitch's brew. Have some, be a man.

Coffee. I like coffee. But I hate it, cause it's actually fucking poison, exactly like capsaicin in pepper. Fun stuff. It's not cocaine, it's mild. Coca leaves, they chewed them. When it was just leaves it was a simple tonic. Leave it to science in collaboration with money business to turn it into poison. For a long time it wasn't a hard drug, cause people slowly started to be less and less responsible with it. A stimulant that can give you a heartbreak.

Book, my book. RW2 means "rewrite 2". I've started a "rewrite 1" at some point this Spring. Yeah, a lot of rewrites, a lot of going back - including to Alex's story. Alexandra Hawke. I've known at least 10 Alexandras IRL, funny. Not based on absolutely either of them, her little story. Another insight. She's not gonna be a part of Marco's story, she's different. A separate book. Just a character in Marco's story. Her and Jon and Simon, that's three main characters. Writing more about my childhood and going to school, that's what I've been trying to do. She has her own monomyth but most - 90% - of what I wrote, that's not "writing", that's not meant to be seen. It's got some ai in it, it's not a book, it's just fanfic of what might become a book. In Marco, I have almost exactly 100k words that were all manually and naturally written without any ai whatsoever. Just like midi drums, amiright? Heh. Too lame I didn't bother recording drums for Passage Ritual. It works better as just an instrumental. I need music, loud music. As Yggdrasil also has nice harmonic instrumental moments that get covered with vocals. May wanna be better at mixing. Too lazy. Wanna go back and prove I'm a man, not just a wannabe man. I proved I'm wannabe man, I stepped close. Haven't done enough. Money's a bonus too. "Society", it doesn't make me happy. War. That's different from "society". It's something, and it's very little, it's a line, a single line drawn on paper. It's clear, it doesn't have much meaning, but it can have meaning if it points somewhere. A story of a man just doing something. That's Marco's story. Came back to Marco, came to me once I proved I can be a man. Already a man, just prove it. Cause I know I can. I got better. I healed. My soul. Constant prayers, hope, tears, despondence and more, more hope, constant, every day, every pulse. Don't care about them, care about me. God cares about Me. I love God. My God.

June 2003. It used to have like 20 pages of material, just skipping all the character and relationship development to get to that next monomyth step. But a lot more happened, a lot more. More, more, it all happened. I remember. He remembers. Henry remembers, rest in piece. He was good, he was good, he was someone. He struggled but her won. Maybe he's still alive, heh. Henry, he is someone. Back long before 2003 he was Sir Henry, then he's Cowboy Hank, now he's someone else. What I'm saying is, the character is based off someone but also based off of that someone's character. Try to understand what I mean. It's simple, it's a line.

Nice day. Nice day.

Workout

Deadlift

20 for 20

70 for 5

120 for 5 agh lats have that "tense" feeling in them lol... Experiencing peculiar deja vu!

It's cold. Finally, it's cold.

160 for 5

200 for 3 - one stiff legged with a pause

230 for 3 - feeling so lame, but not weak, just mentally disturbed, a little lazy. Need to take some extra time. Capricious; I wanna feel good while lifting, you know?

250 for 5 - really lame set but all reps easy. I love that they feel easy but I'm not enjoying myself... Not warmed up yet! Some dormant buzz sitting, biting my ass.

250 for 5 - nice, starting to warm up. Instead of counting to 5 I counted 4 two times to avoid the "final rep" effect. Interesting thing! Kinda funny. But I just knew this little trick was gonna work. It's gotta be so annoying though, something so un-scientific being used in such a "precise" thing as lifting, hehe. I used to consider myself a "rationalist" for a while back then there, you know.

Trying to write but I'm kinda too angry. Ends up sort of brilliant, some of my writing today...

250 for 5 - a very good set, not an excellent one except for, perhaps, the fact that I have a good cardio and I didn't take too long at all to do it! Again counted to 4, making the "final" rep very good 😁

Feet hurting like they used to back in the day lol... Cause I'm wearing my old crocs! Put on the new ones, less caved-out.

250 for 5 - the best set, really easy. I focused on inflating my abs for every rep as my abs as the "weaker chainlink" and pushed through all five reps really fast. Feels good!

230 for 5 - stiff legged paused deadlifts, wide grip. It was very hard for muscle but not so much for CNS - didn't have to put it much "strain-effort". My back rounded pretty hard on last rep lol... Should have counted to 4 😁

20 for 5 same - just as a finisher 😏

Pinched off all the plates, had a couple marinated peppers. Life is good! Thank God.

RPotD - cool Hemp stalk up close

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/2d/Hanfstengel.jpg

Ist "fengel" die same as "hemp"? Somedinge to denken about!