July 21st, Monday and 23rd, Wednesday - Bench and Squat

 21.07.2025

Warmup moderate, some wrist stretching, pushing against wall and floor.

Bench press

20 - 50 - 100

120 for 5 - doing some straight arm holds before pressing. It's surprising how hard it is to keep arm fully straight. But it can be done and trained quickly.

130 for 5 sets of 5 - very nice and very easy, no pec pain or any other pain. I even started to achieve a peculiar and EFFICIENT wide grip technique. Only one accidental cramp later that night. That's why it's good to have workout that are a balance between strain (stimulation) and effort (CNS).

Curls with 6 kg dumbbells, simulating preacher's curl - kinda nothing but it's nice I did something.

Mental warfare. Winning, but it's a really hard fight. Please pray for me.

23.07.2025

I used to lose at mental warfare. Most of 2023 is a decline. Falling into pits, trying to crawl out.

I wanna write a long 'misogynist' rant about how I've been abused by my mother when I was growing up and that's why i now hate women. I don't hate women, but they're a lot like salt on wound except it's ain't salt but acid or napalm. A lot of pain. I just keep thinking they're gonna torture you. I can't open up. Women demand shit from you. That's all they do. They make you feel like shit and demand shit from you and never give you any peace and they use sex as a weapon even though they wanna fuck much more than men do. A lot more than I do. I'm a broken tool. A hammer with a handle but my head got split. Laugh. Freud shits in your mouth. But that's a perfect analogy. Laugh now, fucking stupid cocksuckers. Little bitches like you oughta be whipped. But me, I'm lost. I can't handle this. I hate women and I know my feelings are unjustified. I hated my mother growing up. I'm the one who tried to reconnect with her during my teenage years and after my father died. I put intentional effort into being nice to her. My younger sister is feeling the same as I do about our mother but she's not putting intentional effort into being nicer to her like I did when I was a teenager and in my 20s. I was grateful to her after I went to do my conscript service and she helped me. Now this conscript service is fucking me because that's just life in this corrupt fuckign shithole I guess. No one wants to do anything. I actually wanted to serve my country. I'm a useless man-baby, not even a boy. A part of me knows I'm capable though. I wanna serve my country but it's barely a country, it's a fuckign pile of corrupt agencies that only wanna steal your fucking money. I just wanna get my fuckign pay, a one third of overall pay that got 'lost'. And now I'm being ghosted by people responsible. I wanna go to that fucking base and just demand answers and demand attention since it's been a whole fucking year. Then I wanna rejoin, cause I can't handle this shit anymore. My mother is a fucking energy vampire. She wants oxytocin but she gives death. Her emotions are demands, demands, demands. She keeps asking if "i'm a bad mother" when talking about other kids. Yes, you fucking are. I'm just very polite and I'm not telling you this right away. You tortured me when I was a fucking baby. You beat me nonstop and you didn't give a single shit about my crying. You turned my life - a child's life - into a fucking bureaucracy. I can only imagine how upset and defensive she'd be feeling if she read this. You didn't take me to the fucking government office when the corrupt lieutenant basically cancelled my fucking case. I don't have enough of a shit to give. Enemies should be eviscerated, not tried. I'm going deep into this old depression hole here. I quick venture to see how bad I'm gonna feel. But also a way to get rid of these feelings.

I pray to God. You know it's a struggling time when I think of God nonstop, I turn my mind to him and pray to him nonstop and keep browsing random bits of Bible, and sometimes I look deeper into it, trying to reconnect it to my education. You know it's a difficult time when I'm praying nonstop. God seems cruel now. I wanna believe he's not cruel. And I do. But it's hard. I wanna believe he's got some crazy elaborate plan for me and my psyche. It's a lesson, attempt for me to prove myself about how much I hate the Mammon. The Mammon won't have me. But I want meaning. It was so meaningful to go and fight and serve, and it's really upsetting I can't get my fucking money for my service just cause it got lost. What an upset. Corrupt shithole, as I said. No one wants to do anything. Hell, it's arguably better than the alternative. When the government wants to do too much, now that's real hell. That's where we might be heading. Which is why I'm still going to ignore all the motherfucking cocsucking video services being offered in this country. I don't give a fuck and I don't approve. I just fucking don't. Fuck them, fuck the guy responsible for blocking fucking youtube and fuck the government for doing this. I went to fight and that's what I came home to. Me, a patriot, ruining family relationships over politics. Well, it's them mostly who ruined it. My retarded aunt who said they were "titushki" in Trade Unions House. She's married to a braindead h-word who makes his money here and trembles every time he sees a man in a uniform and he won't fucking dare grow his mustache back. He oughta be sent back so he can be bus-ified, but I ain't gonna stoop so low as to report him. No, fuck him and fuck my aunt; I do not give a fuck.

We live in a hostile world. I've been consuming a lot of negative shit, and my mother isn't helping. I just wanna be left in peace. I'd rather have her fuck off to Turkey or some other shit for the rest of the summer. I love her, but God damn, she hurts me. Old wounds. I wanna forget everything.

What would you be if you forgot who you are? All the painful things. Not if you forgot everything - that'd be a complete disability. What if you just forgot who you are? Would that be like a reset? What would resurface? That all makes me wonder about schizo-style amnesia. Where you don't actually forget stuff from let's say damage, but your mind just chooses to keep it locked. I'm sure there are people like that. I've been abused too much, man. In moments like this it's all coming out. I used to care about myself, I used to care differently. I used to believe it's all gonna be good. Oh, it will be good - but it will never be what you expect it to be. A lot of pain, man. I'm not quite so insane today, you know. I only had one instant coffee cup. I opened up the second bag of instant coffee that I wanted to take with me THERE. I'd only open it at the front. But I decided I gotta try and get that fucking pay first, just so I don't complain as much when I get there. Or I could go to the base and present my case there... And probably get shit on and ignored. Oh, I won't be ignored. You know I won't. Man, I might get fucking shit together and just fucking go. My mother keeps intending to hurt me, remind me about how women, the absolute majority of them, are fucking life and energy vampires who just want fucking shit from you, demand shit from you nonstop; they're just basically asking for a fucking smack. I really very often keep seeing myself [completely marked out part] fucking talking. And she doesn't realize. She's just seeing a twitching man. I don't wanna allow myself that. That's why I wanna be left alone. I want it all to pass. I want God to listen to me and make my life easier. It doesn't matter if I'm asking too much or not. I need it and I want it because I need it. Why do you leave me tortured like that, God? If my dad was still around he'd have helped me. If my dad stayed alive I probably wouldn't be such a despicable women-hater. I wouldn't be such a pathetic manbaby. But no, God decided to take him away during very important developmental years of my life. Please God, just help me now! Just help me, please!

***

Took some time to chop and saw some of that random wood my mother pilfered for no great reason. Sawed into my finger. A lot of blood, skin and vein torn otherwise it's okay. Can't help but feel like it's an answer to my prayer. Mom happened to be just around when I went back inside so she helped me with it while I sprayed blood everywhere. I worried about disinfection, but she just tightened it up right away. I had to untie it and sprayed some peroxide upstairs right in it. Then she brought some normal disinfectant, the brilliant green we like to use. I spilled some of it on the floor, we managed to clean it up. I asked my mother if I can have that coffee someone gifted her. She said yes. That's good. Kinda really dehydrated rn. I enjoyed sawing and chopping all the little branches of that birch off, piling all the naked wood separately. I sawed some of the bigger bieces with that handsaw. It's really good, really sharp, bowed, better than any saw I ever used. I kept thinking about how I have to be careful when I'm chopping stuff, cause when I around 8 I nicked my knee with an axe once. But it's not the axe, it's the saw that was the problem. And I am planning to do some OHP today. It's a very normal functioning finger, only the skin and vein got torn. Vein probably just got nicked rather than fully severed. That happens.

I brewed that conventional colombian coffee 1 to 11. It's nice, really thick and bitter.

Played a lot of FO76 yesterday - technically today. I was nervous, tense, bothered about all that pay stuff. Bothered about women too. Really upset about reality and my perception of it. But I enjoyed playing. I reached a cap of 40k caps in that game cause someone bought my overexpensive 4-star mods I put up for sale. The game is balanced so that you can't stockpile money and create an inflation. Interesting stuff, isn't it? It's not possible to stockpile anything infinitely, except for junk (i.e. crafting materials) and ammo if you're a paid game subscriber which I am right now. It's weird. This game is strange. But it's nice. It's got something that something like GTAV, for example, lacks. It's got some strange oldschool rawness to it. And it happens to be mixed with online service bullshit. All really pretty. Apparently West Virginians in this alternative universe, in the post apocalyptic twenty second century really love plushies and cute things and all that. I suspect stuff. It's all brainwashing I tell you, hehe. Feminizing-estrogenizing. Just kidding. More like infantilizing. Goddamn windows broke the emoji menu. Can't type and select emojis anymore. I swear I won't be fucking switching to windows 11 for as long as possible. Until steam breaks support or something, I guess.

I hate stupid ass internet drama. I don't give a single fuck about that pirate software guy. I just fucking don't. But I watched one video where Nogla's brother played his game. And now my feed is ruined. I knew him from youtube shorts before where he was giving wholesome life advice and all that. If I was a youtuber I'd immediately become a real nasty person. The fame goes to my head too much too quickly. My brain ain't used to glory and fame. It's worse than drugs, not that I ever took any. The strongest drug I probably ever took was that painkiller/antiinflammatory thing the medic insisted I take. I didn't trust his judgment, but it helped. He almost stole my real expensive boots, that guy. Good guy ultimately, he thought they were abandoned and they would have fit him better than they do me cause he's tall and I'm just wide. I bought em cause I got wide feet. I even had to stretch them with a pair of 1 kg plates. I was really upset when I realized somebody took them, but he acquisced that he took em by mistake and gave them back! Honestly, that does take a lot of balls to admit to a mistake like that. Pilfering. Grabbing stuff just cause you can. I abstained my hardest from it, even though it was hard. I only took one axe with fiberglass handle. One axe from the 2022 trenches. Used it just now to chop off these branches. Really good, bouncy in hand. Fiberglass has been around for over a century, did you know that? And yet the saw was my pitfall. Bah! Learn to be better.

I really wanted to read and then write my book today. Attune my brain to the book. Cormac McCarthy is the best as summoning my "wide vocabulary". It's not here now, especially now that I'm dehydrated. It's good to keep things simple sometimes. Also "Fools Die" by Mario Puzo. It seemed like a hard book when I first read it, but now it feels like children's writing. I improved my vocabulary, but not so much my active vocabulary, heh. I sort of still remember the plot in general. But it ain't really got a plot, does it? It's more like fiction biography. I reckon he definitely put real people in that book, same as I do but not quite as directly as he did supposedly. Sinatra was pissed at him, as the story goes. Even though the actor looked more like Deano. Sinatra Jr was big friends with Seth McFarlane. And Seth McFarlane is sort of like Sinatra the 3rd, heh. I have one song of his on my drive. The cartoons and edgy humor, that's what we like. But he's gotta obey the dems. But he has dared criticized the wokers in his latest episode I watched. He dared! Not during Biden times, sure. It's a darn ouroboros. Divide and conquer, that's what they do to us. Divided by race and culture, not by class. There are only two classes - masters and slaves. Uncle Toms - the middle class, the bourgeoisie - they are still slaves, just obedient ones. Divide and conquer.

Too much fricking stupid ass ranting. I could have been writing my book. Let's see here...

***

I gotta figure out exactly what I wanna do today. This finger shouldn't be a problem if I use straps tomorrow. It'll be strained. Given that, should I have a light session today? I think I'll have an upstairs session - but not a light one. I'll have a good one.

Workout

Warmup  - flys with 2 kgs dbs, 6 kg dbs. Some hip and squat semi-static stretching. Changed the bandages on my finger a couple times. A proper wrench in the works.

Shoulders and chest, a lot of muscles - they're getting pumped too easily from this light work!

Squat - sets of 5

20 - 50 - 60 - 70- 80 - 90 - tiny break - 100 - break - 110 - 120 - longer break

That's all pretty fast. I REMEMBER what I failed with on my last squat session. So I'm putting my ideas to test. I remember!

130 - 140 - 150

Nice. It all was smooth. It's basically cardio I got here. Cause I'm basically not having (long) breaks.

Unloaded the bar, winded; I kept the fingers - both - pointing up on squat. Medium-narrow grip on the bar. Glad to report there was minimal wrist and forearm pain/tightness. Minimal.

Used disinfectant and wet napkins to clean my hand. Upstairs I did some curls, joking about how it's perfect for supine grip with my finger like that. But I noticed I'm bleeding more, only a little more, so I had to stop. I really hope my finger will be in an okay state for Friday DLs, or Saturday if it's gonna be that bad. Back to deadlifting once a week! Well, I did learn that you can only deadlift more often than once a week only for a short period of time. At least I do! Maybe I'll develop some unique high-volume ability eventually and be able to deadlift every day. Not anytime soon though, I'm afraid. But what IS coming soon is good, big weights, finger or not - hopefully. God have mercy! And praise Him, forever.