May 7th - Light-medium OHP and Squat

 07.05.2025

Nice day. Slept little, but slept a lot yesterday. Yesterday disappeared pretty much. Brain has been a mess, really stifled, hard and dry. Don't know what's going on. Otherwise feeling good. Rib pain came back a little, but it was different - just a muscle stiffness. Stomach has been unproblematic. My shin still hasn't healed, that does bother me. Why does it take so long?

My writing is ass. I do have a voice, but I don't use it much. When I do, I can see it, it's original enough. But it started out playing as ai. But I can write. Ai helped by being the mirror... A mirror of assness, sadly. It was intriguing, entertaining. New things, depths of knowledge, new technology. Now it's a stick in the mud. I've done a lot of self-discovery and self-entertainment by playing with ai. Now I wanna turn my fun into creativity. I had a full book written under my specific directions not in my voice. My rewriting and re-editing efforts allowed the voice to emerge in the parts I focused on. A lot of it feels like trash, but I can also see a reflection of my soul in it. Why did I choose to explore those things, those moments? It can tell me a lot about my psyche, my desires, my senses. But a great part of it is just shitty ai text. Still, I enjoyed playing with it. It's playing more so than writing. But re-editing is producing nicer material. And I'm discovering my own ability to write. ai will become a part of our life. In China and other east Asian countries, ai isn't seen as this dreadful threat to genuinity, sincerity and self expression. It's insincere in its core, that's the problem. It's a lie, a fakery - you're either lazy or are trying to trick me for one reason or another. But in China it's not a problem. It's probably not just about the mentality, but also about the language. The language is different, structured differently - maybe the ai text is less noticeable in chinese? That's only a hypothesis, I might be wrong. Great cultural divide. Chinese know a lot about the west but not the opposite. They have an advantage in that regard. They're not understood by their civilizational peers as well. When you understand your friend better than he does you - what does it give you? What if it's not a friend? Inzoi game got a lot of that useless ai stuff in it. It's fun, sure. I have an AMD card. Pity! A lot of it doesn't work for me. Tried playing Sims 3 the other day - couldn't, so boring. Looks nice, some nostalgia, but boring.

I'm good at expressing myself here, writing these meaningless diaries. They flow, they have some rhythm. It's a form of unrefined shitty poetry. It's a valid form of self expression, arguably more sincere than poetry - cause I'm just saying shit, literally saying what a part of me thinks and feels without trying to rhyme it and make it look good and entertaining. But there is rhythm here, you see. AI fails at this rhythm. AI's beat is like a straightforward 4/4 rimshot or plain metronome, while speech is more complex. GPT3 was a bit better for writing consecutive text. It wasn't trained to be an assistant or a thinker, just a text generator. My being, my reality. Meaningless, worthless - same as terms 'meaning' and 'worth' - completely subjective. In other words, I feel not perfect, but I know I'll feel good. When I feel good I will be the best person in the world - including you. I'll be better than you when I feel good. But now I feel shitty, and I'm a worthless cockroach that deserves to be wiped off the face of the earth. But I know I'll feel better. I'll get my shit and that'll be enough. I'm dissolving over here. It doesn't matter. Honestly, nothing matters the way the word 'to matter' is used. No, truly mattering things, they matter in a different way than everything else. They are persistent and evasive. Humanity, a role we give ourselves. Enjoyment, cohesion of action.

Today we deadlift. It'll be good. I'm not sure how I feel, but I'll try heavy stuff again. I know I'm ready.

***

I figured I'm gonna shuffle today and tomorrow's session. That way some goals will be accomplished.

Workout

Overhead press - starting with a clean

20 and 40

70 for 15

80 - 2 sets of 15 pretty hard but definitely had a lot of extra.

Squat

Some warmup first

70 - 2 sets of 10 - felt really uneven today.