October 08-09, Sunday and Monday - Bench, PP, small PR, nice Olympic style Squat

 02.03.2025

I'm struggling with misogyny. I wish I wasn't, but my mother keeps either talking about or showing me pictures of retarded ugly bitches and that somehow lingers, I just keep feeling violated, like somebody's gonna fucking come and make me marry some ugly fucking mutant with a cunt. I don't want it! I don't wanna get married, and I also don't even wanna think about it! My soul is a bit skewed, a bit boiled in acid, internal mechanisms exposed. Why the fuck are most women so ugly and repulsive nowadays, even young ones? Last time I had a tinder it was a fucking freak show, for real. Obviously it's about me, it's about my tastes, my skewed perception of women; I just can't help but see them as some toxic, dreadful element, something like carbon monoxide - if you keep hanging around them you **will** kill yourself 👨🏿⚡

It's just expression, an expression of my deeply twisted soul, alright? I don't really believe what I'm saying here; I love women and love humanity, and I do think women are beautiful and lovely in their own way. I wish my mother didn't beat so much when I was a helpless prepubescent babe, unable to fight back, conflicted about loving my parents... I had a period around 9-11 years old when I HATED my mother - and she doesn't know about it, but I fucking HATED her. I hate being forced to do stupid, meaningless, unpleasant shit. And I've been a conscript and I've fought in a war! Heheh.

Obviously, it's just coffee talking and, uh, my sleep is also a little skewed. Women, women, women... I think I'm suffering from what's colloquially known as spermotoxicosis, heh. I don't want to fuck, I don't want a girlfriend or a relationship; I want to be left in peace! But a part of me, a part of my brain probably does want to fuck and mate for life. Only guessing though.

There's been plenty of nice women - girls, young women - I've met in my life. Plenty, but not a lot. I'd love to talk about a few... Two of them. I keep thinking about them. One is married, soon it's gonna be 10 years since we know each other online... We don't really interact nowadays; don't wanna muddle the water of someone else's marriage, even if it's just friendly and nothing else. Now she, she is someone good. Made me feel accepted, made me feel alright. Not always, but most of the time!

The other young lady - known her for ages, well, but we never really interacted one-to-one. But she was giving me curious vibes, laid back looks... I liked her, appreciated her, but it was never anything too deep. I kept chasing other ladies who were her friends... She's also smart, oppressively so, heh.

I've been thinking. There's this cool dude, Wranglerstar. Keeps talking about brewing civil war in the US. But he's mostly a homeowner guy, makes videos about tools and all that. I like him. But there's one video where he was talking about man-woman relationships and referred to his wife as 'submissive'. It's a reasonable word to use, but it made me wonder recently. I don't want a submissive wife - a life partner - I don't want some weak rabbit girl that I'm gonna beat into obedience, no no. I want a strong woman who will love and respect me and be submissive strictly to me and no one else. Us, together, fucking the world, destroying the world together. Burning down this society, breeding, filling this world with *real* people. Heh heh. I'm edgy!

"Submissive". It's a disturbing word. In a good relationship a man a woman respect each other - and they should respect *one* another. They respect each other's roles; they're partners, but not even ones. A woman should understand that a man wants to be a monarch, a decider in a relationship - a ruler, but not a slaver, not a fucking brain-commander; he shant treat his lady like a pig, but like his queen. Rule together, destroy the world together. Kill our enemies together. I should kill that fucking faggot... He shouldn't get away from his punishment. He's an example of a weak man treating his lady very, very poorly. His lady keeps bothering me frequently about how much of a darn piece of shit he is. One day he'll show up alone and he'll be dealt with... Or I'll die and/or get crippled 😁 Heh heh. God, please kill that man or at least protect us!

I'm a little unhinged today. I need to be. I'm not normal, I'm not a normal person; well, no one is, not that it matters. I'm also not a slave. I'm a man and I know my strengths; and I have won in life recently - because I did not lose! I overcame old obstacles that bothered me, I learned new skills, I tested myself, I risked my life and I defeated *our* enemies with very expensive weaponry, heheh. I could have been more, I want to be more... I need to do a lot of things. Avenge the deaths and suffering of innocents.

I can be pathetic too, I know that much! I have some attitudes about me that are less-than-desirable. I know I'm lazy; but the problem is that I look MUCH more lazy than I really am 😁 I reckon I look full of myself to a lot of people; and I don't even wanna bother anyone! But yeah, in this collectivist society when I just stick to yourself, do you own thing *some* people are gonna wanna drag you down at least a little 😁 Fucking slaves. Oh well, that's a part of life, a part of societal development.

I'm not smart; I am, in fact, confused. If it wasn't for my God I'd be in complete darkness, an agnostic towards quite literally EVERYTHING. But I believe it's possible for me to have my hand on objective truth. I believe! God, please save me, save my soul and save my mind!..