January 25th - Bench, mild recovery issues, memories

 24.01.2025

Feeling a little weird; slept very little, bothered by some slight anxiety but suddenly something surprising happened - youtube, gta public lobbies and some other sites that were blocked are suddenly working normally, like they used to... I wish I knew what changed, cause for a while it was bad today.

***

Well, I ended up falling asleep, lovely deadbolted kind of sleep. No light workout today! But I was in the mood. Well, more energy for Saturday then.

25.01.2025

A little messy sleep-wise, otherwise not bad; good nutrition. Had one cup of instant coffee and almost finished one conventional 40/440.

Workout

Warmup - pvc pipe snatch grip presses and shoulder loosening, pushup position plank and wrist loosening

Bench

20 for 20

40 for 15

50 for 15 tissues don't feel the best

50 for 10 a tiny bit better

70 for 10

70 for 10

100 for 10

100 for 10 - tried something fairly unusual - moved the bar on the other side of the rack, so my feet are technically a few degrees lower, given that I believe my vestibular apparatus in regards to the front of the garage being lower than hte back. Tissues still not great, also this feels like I've done a lot of volume already. Maybe only one or two more sets... And hopefully squats. Hope I don't get too lazy.

110 for 10 actually feels good for once... Lowering the bar all the way to my chest. I should go back to it since the tearing is more or less over.

120 for 10 - awkward but I'm glad I did it. The reverse direction setup is pretty messy, I was bumping my left side against the sandbag. But I managed 10 decent reps despite some superstition after the 5th rep. It was easy, although I wasn't locking out properly on the first half due to the aforementioned messiness. Glad to know that despite lowered confidence I had plenty of energy to finish it fairly easily.

Some bar presses - normal and from behind the neck

Some waiting, trying to overcome laziness, changing into fitting squat pants

I wish I could figure out why the idea of marriage seems like a form of abuse and enslavement to me... I just don't really see it as a happy thing. I know it can be happy, but I just don't see how I'm not gonna kill myself if I get married. Or strangle my hypothetical wife if she cheats. That's cause I've been thinking about how in a couple, if someone cheats, it'd make more sense to not reveal it to your partner if you feel guilty - you should repent, but you shouldn't ask your partner to accept what you've done by confessing it to them. If you cheated, in my current logic - it makes more sense to repent and try and stop this cheating. If manage to stop, even if you don't exactly feel sorry about, then it's penitent enough in my book. If you tell your spouse about it it's more like you're asking her to accept it and just forgive you for it. I'm a tortured little creature with my innate logic twisted by the utterly confusing suffering I've undergone during my formative years - childhood, adolescence, youth. I don't have happy memories about my parents' marriage before my father died. I know they had good times, and they happy times and overall their marriage was a good example of healthy relationship and accepting and helping another person with their flaws. My father was authoritative enough and penitent enough to help my mother bridle her wilder impulses. He wasn't without flaw, of course; I have impulsive genetics from both of them. He was hysterical and his life was a rat race of unappreciation in a disgusting early 00s society. 90s Russia was less disgusting, more sincere and simultaneously more problematic... It was not a rat race, but rather a predatorial free-for-all bouhurt. So, perhaps it was worse then. And I am heartbroken, somewhat. One girl who liked me, she approached me and made me fall in love with her, pursue her madly with my teenage brain holding the reins. She followed me into my university. She was confused; she told me she cares about money and general wellbeing, those were her virtues. Maybe I could have turned out differently, but from now it's obvious we wouldn't have stuck together very well. Another girl - she liked me a little bit, I had a crush on her for a whole year, ended up proposing to her immediately following my grandpa's advice, lovebombing and sort of stalking her - around my university, cause we had some lessons together and lectures too. We had great fun during greek, cause when a guy like me is in love I'm a crazy jokester, I bring about a lovely mood that makes everyone laugh and piss themselves; we had great funny Ancient Greek seminars. The teacher was fun too. Same with Latin, but it was a little more uptight but otherwise a lot of fun. So yeah, she told she asked a priest for advice, or maybe I misunderstood it and she asked her daddy over the phone, cause her daddy was an old priest too, she told me she likes the other guy more. Well, he was taller and older. And I definitely looked like a massive freakazoid during that time. She was the cute kind of vanilla girl, I, meanwhile, exuded a bit of weirdness about me, a little bit of chaos. I guess I'm not an incel, or at least I really wanna believe I'm not. I rejected quite a few girls, and some women too. Women - adult women with a fully formed brain, that is - they are better at sensing when a human male is going to reject them, so I assume they're less likely to approach someone they like. When I was at the hospital not far from my home, working as a nurse's aide during my conscript service, there was one Uzbek girl. She was very good looking despite having a typical uzbek face. She had an incredibly athletic looking body in that janitor uniform of hers. I stared at her, she stared back - that was enough for me. Maybe she liked me, or maybe I'm imagining this. But an interethnic marriage is a whole can of worms on its own; especially having to deal with in-laws - no, Thank God I didn't do it. And the mysterious online person - I would never say I had any particularly visceral feelings for her, since I never met her in real life or saw her in person, only saw a couple of her photos and heard her melodic voice a lot. She's fun and smart, I suppose she's likely smarter than any other girl I had feelings for. But you see, it wasn't hormonal feelings - it was a pure conscious attraction, well, maybe not purely conscious because our interaction made me feel accepted, welcomed, put up with. In another life, I'd like to imagine! I had a chance to meet her IRL if I went to a foreign country, but I didn't take that chance. Damned capitalism made me think I shouldn't do it if I don't have the money. You think most forms of capitalism promote money spending, but alas; in some people, they promote confusion and rejection of society, even though I understand that 'capitalism' is a mostly nonsensical cover term that usually means whatever the speaker prefers it to mean. I prefer to use 'crony capitalism' when I'm talking about downsides of a free market and just 'capitalism' when I'm talking about people's right to not be trampled into death and suicide. I am quite a writer, aren't I? Just a bit of memories, right here. I intended to type out 'memoirs' but my hands automatically wrote out 'memories'. How peculiar! Autocomplete connected to fingers, hehe. Now, off to squats!

Squat

Seated thigh squeezes and spreads, some slow BW squats, inward and outward standing leg rotations

Went downstairs and did a few reps with a bar. My tissues really feel off today. Should have had better sleep! Energy is out. That's if for now, downstairs at least. I think I'll do some BW squats, given that I'm in weightlifting shoes. Let's see if it can feel okay even with my tissues feeling subpar.

2 sets of 15 - bw

RPotD - Landwasserviadukt seen from the viewpoint south

https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Landwasserviadukt_from_viewpoint_south_2022-09-25_04.jpg