August 12th, 2023 - Haven't had a mad rant in ages, Clean, OHP, PP - decent

 12.08.2023

Nice day. Woke up at the same time again. Low appetite, but ate okay. Yesterday was horrendously boring. I should have thought ahead and planned to play music. Been out of work this whole except, except tomorrow, hopefully. Old anger rising up in my head. Injustice, no vengeance. Pain, pressure. Evil never gone. Pain in my blood. Brewed my second coffee, listening to music on speakers. This world is literal hell. I cannot believe we are who we are. Something is wrong. Forced into suicide - hopefully not. Writing some lore for Marco's story, but not the story itself. I'm probably repeating myself, but I am more and more involved every day. It's captivating and quite rewarding. Pulses of pain in my head, in my upper nervous system, if that makes sense. Feels like something is scratching, something is stuck where it doesn't belong. Speaking of that - been sneezing a lot yesterday, very unpleasant. After I fetched some spice from the upper shelves. I hate dust. I hate breathing it in and I hate those who force me to breathe it in. Hateful, pain, unresolved, heavy, crushed. Dying today, now, every day, Broken and breaking. It's another one of these days, another coffee-induced man rant. I guess I have to get it out of my system here. It's better that going around howling and screaming and banging your body on walls and furniture, and, well, harming yourself in other ways. Funny how wanting to hurt someone else makes you wanna hurt yourself. Pain, no vengeance. Pain. I'm scowling, I can relive it like it's happening right now. I want to feel that bastard's throat in my hands, and I want to feel my bones connect to his. I want to hear disgusting crunching and cracking. I've heard it of my bones, I've heard it of his. I want to get my fucking hands on this piece of shit. And it's not going away. Why are the evil not punished?

Funny enough, I think if somebody did tell me to kill myself I'd be less inclined to do so. I have internal thing just trying to break out (not poop, just fyi (I mean, I am having my second coffee!)).

What else, what else.. Feeling calmer at the moment. I better think of how I'm gonna work out. OHP is the plan. PP should be there too. What have I been doing? I guess I'll be going for reppage again. Just alter it a little.

So, it's gonna be Week 1, Session 1 altered for OHP. 3 sets of 8 for OHP and 3 sets of 6-5 for PP. Reasonable? Yes. 82,5 kgs for OHP and 95-100 for PP. Like oldschool, except back then I did not do enough good power-affirming volume, either just "lazily maxing out" or torturing my body into submission on unnecessarily high percentages.

I am suffering and you will too. You have no heart and you shut your eyes. You soul is dead and you have betrayed us too many times.

I suffocate. I burn. It's draining from me. It's going away. And I am going away, every day I'm further from this. But then I will fall.

Betrayal, betrayal, betrayal! Blood has been spilled, it is still crying to the sky, it is still unavenged. Corruption, lie, evil. Corruption that has gone silent, it has gone by, as if it has been forgiven. But the worst crimes are punished the worst and the most unexpectedly. What is the price of betrayal? Death, death, death.

It's all a joke to you. It's all fun and games and play around all day. It's all bring and light as you turn your eyes away from those who suffer. You are evil and you let yourself be evil. You let yourself. You let malevolence act as you sit by, deluding yourself. And you know you are lying. And you know darkness surrounds you. And the vengeance and pain are waiting. They are above, and you will fall, and they will fall on you.

You refuse to listen. You refuse to see. You refuse to feel. But you will feel, and you will feel as lost as those you've betrayed. Lost, lost, completely lost, darkness and pain and cumbersome delusion enveloping your mind.

***

I wish I had calm pills. But I'd probably hate them. Good people should suffer, else they become evil people. Good people accept suffering as inevitability, but they know when they deserve it or not. When you lose your shit and do something bad cause you've been suffering, well, then you're a bad person. I can be a bad person too, I guess. I keep praying to God. I am often so lost. And I have no idea what I'm doing and where I'm going. All I know is that the times when I wanna kill myself - I'm probably gonna have hundreds more of those, and it's important I don't do it after all. I am supposed to have a strong enough will. Why "supposed"? Cause I see myself as a strong-enough-willed person. Maybe I can even overcome this nonsense with God's help.

There are, of course, other unfinished issues. A lot of them. Not quite everything I said before the previous paragraph is overexaggerated. In fact, some stuff is underexaggerated. Constant pain. The best I can do it forget. I wish to forget.

Mammon worship. Some of this comes from it. Animal life. Alive, but dead inside - not a person. Do not worship mammon. Do not prioritize it. Kill it. Kill Mammon in your mind. And never let it rise again.

***

I have a workout. It's 8 PM.

Workout

Warmup - upper and lower body moves, gentle ankle stretches, swquat variations, front rack and overhead holds.

In my frustration, I took a walk to the closest kiosk. They didn't have bananas, but I bought some carbs - a lot of icecream, a small bag of crisps, a pack of cookies, "Crisps"? Who the heck says "crisps"? Look at the distinguished gentleman over here, hehe. It's joke. I am not english nor am I american. US always looked a scary wonderland to me, both a fairy tale and a horror nightmare. That's their own media representing them this way.

Clean and press

50 - 1 clean and 5 presses, then 1 and 1, then 1 and 1 again

70 - 1 and 1, 1 and 3, 1 and 3 again

85 failed clean, didn't fully rise

85 - 1 clean and 8 presses, no heaving, but leaning back some

85 fail again

85 - 1 clean and 8 presses

I realised an important thing: when I duck under the bar, I'm not only supposed to bend my arms, but push my shoulders forward and thus, elbows up and forward. I'd often have to reposition my arms when I'm in the hole, and that second set with 85 was nice that way - I caught it perfectly.

85 - 1 clean and 8 presses - alright.

Unloaded to 70, carried, power cleaned and racked it.

Waited around, monologuing. Drained. Should not have been going mad before the set, what do you know. If I wanted to have energy, that is.

Didn't want to give up. Did two sets of front rack holds. Right forearm hurts a little. Should be good if I wait a little.

I know it's not quite right, but I had some of that icecream I bought. And earlier I finished all the cookies and 3/4 of the chips. They were too salty, else I'd eat them all.

I think I might be lacking mobility, cause I'm feeling something akin to unstable pressure in my lower abdomen when I'm in the bottom of the front squat during clean, especially on the left side. What to do? Well, no idea so far. I reckon I gotta strech my around my hip more, so I don't have to pucker my belly out as much. If I don't, I'm unstable down there. If I had more mobility I could stay more upright without having to rely on my stomach as much, if that makes sense.

It feels like "burst stretch" down in my abs, if you will; I can't help myself but think that this kind of pressure is what leads to herniation. I had to mention it so I can battle my superstition: I was afraid to mention herniation, as if mentioning it will guarantee summoning it (and it is not the case). Perhaps I should consider this issue a more serious one, if it feels so emotionally evocative.

22:52. Kinda late, just finished the icecream. I have three sets of pushpresses to go, and maybe a little bit of other stuff upstairs. Should not be too hard, I reckon - all like a warmup, and I don't feel quite "cold" at all, despite all the desserting.

Also, today I tried the new liquid chalk, as well as brick chalk - they're quite nice. The liquid will run out quickly though, I'm afraid, but it's really good. So good it's not legal for some grip evens, if I remember correctly, hehe.

Push press

70 for 5

100 for 5 nice, only a little strenuous for my right arm. Should try unevening it even more to the right...

100 for 5 okay

100 for 5 alright

Feels very good, being able to accomplish exactly what I outlined. Thank God for that, now and forever!