August 2nd, Wednesday - Deadlift, a little too much again

 02.08.2023

Nice enough day. Sleep has been uneven. Slept through midnight yesterday, but then I woke up early at night and couldn't anymore. The weather wasn't great for sleep later, so I couldn't sleep in the morning either. It was way too hot. I think I also was nervous, not really for a reason. I'd like to imagine your brain needs to go over your negative thoughts from time to time, the ones you'd to get rid of. They're problems or dangers in your life, you try to get of them, but they come back sometimes, and sometimes there's no reason, and sometimes they're complete nonsense. Sometimes, despair is relieving. Strange feeling. Also, I've been thinking I'm subconsciously nervous about this training session. It's a shame how poor my discipline, no matter how I try. Sometimes you somply cannot fall asleep, even at night, even when you wanna sleep and even when you take melatonin. Melatonin can affect your mood, but very mildly, almost not at all (in my experience). I was sweating, it was hot, it was annoying to point of me wanting to hurt myself in frustration at my inability to sleep at the right time. Well, at least my sleep between 11PM and 1:30AM was pretty majestic. That felt good. And it's silly of me to complain, provided I don't have a habit of sleeping at night, even though I had relatively normal last few days.

Food - it's been okay, annoyng me a little. I look very big and even fat, but my BW is only 104 kgs now. My shoulders and legs look bigger than they've ever been. I legit have a doubtful feeling I was 114 kgs at some point last summer, that just makes no sense somehow. Oh well, I should be happy I'm stronger than ever at a much lighter bodyweight. And I am, Thank God.

Humidity and heat, and I'm going to deadlift around midnight today. I woke up late, feeling mediocre, had a sizable enough snack, now I'm finishing up a cup of tea I made alongside it. Not sure if any of this matters. What does matter is that I have a heavy DL today and I think it puts pressure on me. And I will do it. And it's gonna be good - if I act smart. So, focus on the smartness. Internal short-term discipline, catch the sneaky dubious choices you might make "less than consciously".

I've been thinking about roiders, the abusers, the mammon worshippers. I'm  trying to complete with them in my own head, but I'm not a sportsman and I'm not a competitor. I'm a physical culture aficionado. And strength training is a pretty awesome branch in physical culture that you can specialize and it will make you healthier and tougher. You may doubt it, but you don't have to become a massive meathead like me to experience most of the benefits from strength training. It's good in every little thing - you can run up the stairs easier, save a lot of time when you need to move something, and when you fall on the floor you're simply more solid and harder to break. It helps. And I'm talking about just having strength, not even choosing to specialize.

Recently, however, my mind has been attracted to something that a beginner might consider the opposite of strength sports - calisthenics and bodyweight exercises. I was fairly into it around 2012-2013, trying one arm pullups (more like one arm jerks hehe), rope climbing, and I think I was even able to a seblance of a gymnastic cross on the rings, back when I worked out with my friends in the grip section on Saturday. It's a shame we all fell apart, and it's shame that I have an impression that some of my favorite people the group think I'm a toxic person. I'm  not convinced, of course. Maybe that person is upset I stopped coming around the summer 2015 and they consciously or subconsciously think I'm traitor to the enthusiasm. For the a very long time, I was more enthusiastic than anyone else, coming as regularly as possible. We had a little friend group, in Summer 2012 we'd have a workout in the park alongside crossfitter friends, then go somewhere else, either a shawarma place or a big resaurant even. Later, we moved to a pretty awesome crossfit gym. That aforementioned friend whom I deeply care about became sort of a coach of that section, I'm not sure about the arrangent. It was one of the most awesome periods of my life, one of them. Then my father died, and that period wasn't over. Then I got injured but I healed. Then I just fell apart and got lost inside of my own head. Didn't know what to do. 2014-2015 were two really nice years in a lot of ways, but I was so lost. 2016 - the army year - was not as awesome, but it has a lot of nice bright pronounced powerful memories. I was sure alive that year.

Alright, I'm rambling and suffering from nostalgia. It's almost 10 PM. I'm hot and sweating. I'll have a coffee and see how I feel. Hey, at least you can warm up faster when it's warm, am I right?

***

Well, it's past midnight, the heat is repulsive, and I'm not even done with my second coffee. Perect time to perform deadlift rituals, he he.

I do wanna scream and shout, so that's a good thing. Excited. Last cup...

Vibing to Gateway — Galgendood (2023). Pretty epic.

Workout

Warmup - not too much, as it is normal for DL. Mostly heaving and banging.

Deadlift

Would you believe me if I told you I was raised as a masochist? Born to enjoy pain. Well, I've said it in the blog before. I feel it again. I feel something. A muddy, dark, oily, slimy spirit crawling through the air. I feel it and it is here. And I am ingesting it into my spirit. Dissolved and dissolving, reforming and reshaping, being something else, but not someone else. Pain and pleasure come together to bear fire from me into the world. Agh!

20 - 70 - 120 - 160

203 for 3

233 for 3 very easy

265,5 for 2 - much harder, but I did it. I might have rested too long. Once again, I succumbed to impulse and changed the belt position for the second rep.

Also, I'd like to believe it's possible that I've gotten strong enough for this weight to be the last "warmup set" lol, the heavy one. Well, it might be quite delusional.

Had a swig of my soda, now my throat is a little raspy. Might wanna warm it up. Anyway...

270,5 for 1 and a half - could have gotten the second if I waited a bit more

270,5 for 1 more and one attempt.

Okay. My expectations were unreasonably high. I'm not in a bad shape, however. It's time to restart the cycle. It's not sensible that it's week 11, it'll have to go down, and after, I think, about 6 of 8 weeks I might be close to the "peak" even though I'm going to restart the cycles. Yes, it'll be Week 1, Session 1 altered.

Pinched the plates as I unloaded the bar.

Muscles feel mostly empty, breathing is subpar as well. I don't feel "bouncy" - that's when you things are going well. Now I need to relax and not let negativity into my system as I work on my OHPs. They are in a much better shape than my DLs, if I say so myself.

Also, I speculate I might be really light. Let me go and measure...

Well, I'm actually pleasantly surprised. First it showed 104,4, but as I moved the scales to a more even place it showed 106,1, so, maybe I'm not that thinned out and empty. I just need to be in a better shape, and I'm in a somewhat okay one. Permission of positivity, perhaps.