July 10th, Monday - Consistent clean and light squat, having to bring it back again

 10.07.2023

Kind of a nice day. I got two days merged into three. Sunday was my night. Today I've had almost no food, but enough right now. Worked way more than normal, feeling satisfied about that. But also, comparatively, insanely angry - for my conventional reasons. Can't be bothered describing them again.

Having my first coffee. Pray for me.

***

I need help. Everything annoys me and I can't handle people. What do you know. Maybe it's cause my thingy got triggered. I have so much hate in me. Not helpful. And I'd like to squat today.

Normally coffee time is a good time. It's better than it was on Saturday. On Saturday it was so much worse. Today it's less energetic, less destructive. More painful. Brain chemistry, whatever. I don't want any antidepressant bullshit. I don't have it. I just wanna fucking get my hands onto someone that deserves it. Feel the fucking blood flow under my fingernails as I see the life escape from that wretch's body. Fuck me. I wanna die.

I need help. I need a lot of help. I need something comforting. It's never gone. The issues were never gone. They were never evened out. I might going back into my old state.

***

I'm supposed to squat today. I'd like to pump some blood in my legs. Should be helpful.

Not feeling as bad now.

Workout

Warmup - strongly varied, not bad. Front rack stretches, deep squat stretches without butt winking.

Clean (squat clean)

50 - 1 clean, 2 front squats, 3 presses - 3 sets

Squat

50

90 - 3 sets of 8 fixing the technique.

That felt like enough. Very hungry. Coming into peace.

***

Insanely hungry for a moment. Put potatoes to be baked. I used to have more carbs. I talked about it. Nowadays I lost appetite for my proper breakfasts. All meat in the fridge is spoiled a little bit. But I have to finish it. Also made the soda mix. This time less coffee, and the tea is not earl grey. But now I am having the freshly opened earl grey. It's good. Feeling better. Finally feeling calm. Maybe I just was hungry.



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