June 12th, Monday - Cleans, OHP and bench, not squats or PPs (light)

 12.06.2023

Nice day. Very late. Slept a long time. Woke up near midnight yesterday. Really kicked my own ass with the Saturday workout. Now it's almost midnight again, even though I woke up earlier. I'm still very confused about going. I need that meaningful direction in life. But I don't wanna go out of spite. I think I'll be making a call sometime soon. I'll ask if they can do it quickly. If I can gather my shit quickly. Might have to cancel my coding education. It's not been going very well. Apparently it's sort of a trend - a lot of young men wanna go at the start of summer. I just hope they can give me the same conditions as they supposedly gave some other people. I'd like to know. I'd like to make a call. Not completely sure. I don't envision is as something I'll be doing as my life-goal, but I need it. I need to unshit my fucking pants. I am pathetic non-man, and I have been for a long time. Well, I was young. Young like a boy. A literal boy with the brain of one. Darn.

And it's Tuesday. Haven't got much to do except a whole frickin workout. I'm supposed to be doing 5 sets of 2 with 130-135. I'm not completely sure if I can do that. I don't wanna do it now. "It" being the heavy sets. I wanna do the heavy sets when I can scream and shout and enjoy myself. So, I think I might leave it for Thursday, and today I'll work on smaller things. Maybe bring about other stuff that's been forgotten, like front squat. Yeah. I'll be doing cleans, presses, front squats and bench. What will be the heavy point? I think it'll be presses. I'd like to work my shoulders a bit today. The program that I'm using isn't optimized near the end, I still haven't figured out how to max out properly. So it's reasonable to rebuild a few things.

If I'm gonna go there isn't gonna be consistent gym going, I reckon. But there definitely will be a lot of working out. I need to be a fucking man. I was denied a job at a fuckin mcdonalds (many years ago, before 2018, just so we're clear) cause I'm too fucking big and dreadfully looking. The military should be a better place for me. 

And I think I've discovered techniques to deal with my innate nervousness. Yes. I've personalized the voices in my head. Curiously enough, I see them as characters from the old Treasure Island cartoon. I guess in my head I'm an old grown up burlied up version of Jim, and these otehr two voices are Dr. Livesey (who has been invading our minds with the meme last year) and Captain Smollett so symbolize my bullish side that I've been keepin under covers for a while now. You wouldn't wanna see me to close when it was out of control, but I need it and it is a part of me. Straighforward, impulsive, powerful, force of nature, no doubt, no pain, no time to bleed, hehehe. And Dr. Livesey is just a really optimistic man, also force of nature, but creative and uprising. Darn, I'm just realising that I really might have given these characters a formalized place in my mind. And I guess Jim is resorted to being a doubtful questioner, succumbing to despair, but brought up by his friends. That's been my surface level "me" for a long time. 

I swear, I need to unshit my pants. All men crave change every few years in their life. My dad kept changing workplaces. It gets boring. You want more. Evolution. Forced to try. Maybe one day I'll get bored of other things. If I can go to the damn garage, what stop stops from crossing that one last stupid fucking line? I can cancel the damn school. I could even pay back the money that I've been asking from my mom, especially if I were to get some salary there. I need a change, man. It's been evident. A small, but rough change, hopefully accompanied by a sense of accomplishment. 

I shat my pants when I was in the conscripted military too. (Still served the whole year though). Unfortunate collision of events. I was ill (bronchitis) and my legs were hurting, and my imagination made it worse. And apparently I'm genuinely neurotic and somehow I chose to make it my mental trait. It was sort of relieving, cause all my youth I've been seeking to find out what's wrong with me, and when I was told I'm neurotic I grasped at it for the sake of conclusive revelation. Well, it's bullshit. Neurosis isn't even a recognised diagnosis anymore. People friggin fear me when they see the damn excited eyes of mine. Not good, not bad. Just nature. But can be annoying. I'll be myself with the help of Dr. Livesey and Cpt. Smollett.

Maybe I'll read the book again, never read it in the original language. There's a lot of shortened versions for kids too. Yeah, before the age of internet, books were our escape. One of them. There were movies, and there videogames on CDs and DVDs.

This time I broke my rant into paragraphs. Easier to read. The story of a man. Pathetic or glorious? Don't know, won't know. Maybe neither. Maybe it's just nature, flesh moving flesh. I want the third coffee, hehe. If I do go there, will I write here? I might, it'll be calm enough. As in I'll make sure to not leave any "digital footprint" and definitely won't be saying anything specific. Only how I feel and how I work out. Should be nice. I want it now, the escape. Doubt will shadow me again. I'm bored. Need to wake up earlier and make that call again.

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Then, there are confusing things. Bureaucracy and stuff. That turns me off. But not completely. Please, God, help me.

Well, I can tell it doesn't deter me. I reckon I'll have a shortened workout today. I might have a really heavy one on Wednesday, which is already tomorrow. Lol. Yeah, man, I need to go. Third time's the charm.

By the way, the blog got crawled by internet archives, so that's good. Better chances to preserve it.

Looking at myself in the mirror, I wonder now if I am once again more buff than I've ever been. Well, we might measure it, but now let's go and do our minimum for the day.

Let's not rush ahead and let's not slow down. That's about it. Maturation or something. It's the only way.

Workout

Warmup - a little bit. Legs pretty sore still.

Clean (squat clean)

20

50 - about 5 singles, and press for 10 and for 5

Clean and press (one clean)

73 - 3 sets of 5 - felt nice

Did not do any extra squat, but did do some stepups onto the tall porch

Bench press

50 - 2 sets

90 - 95 - 97,5 for 8 reps - felt good, much easier than before, less uncomfortable. Stopped using my neck, also unracking from the head level so I can maintain proper trajectory.

And that's about it. Measured myself a little - my chest is definitely bigger than ever, about 131 cms without much lat spreading and inhaling (that means it can be bigger if I do some cringe posing). Right arm around 45 cms, left 44 - kind of small, as expected, but nice shape, powerful enough I reckon. Forearms around 40, but they're hard to measure. Could have measured legs but didn't, I was cringing at myself too much already.

As some point I picked up a dust beater and waved it around and noticed something interesting about my wrists. My right wrist is very stiffuly stabilized, so I can do a nomral monodiecrtional movement with it, like wrist going up and down without going sideways, but somehow with my left wrist when I tried that it kept waving from side to side. Not sure what that means, honestly. Well, my right hand is my pickung hand when I play guitar so maybe it's reasonable it'd be better at controlled movements. Maybe I need to start playing guitar with the opposite hands, hehe. It would be quite a challenge, yeah.

Didn't film anything today. Nor on Saturday. I wish I did film stuff on Saturday, today wasn't as important. I love that I'm doing cleans. It makes me feel like a diversely skilled athlete. And not the dumbass power cleans. They alright, but they're just not technical enough to be impressive to me. Squat cleans, now that's difficult.

RPotD - some place in Madrid