July 7th - Deadlift, done well despite leg fatigue

 07.06.2023

Nice day. Food - I think I had a lot of it, but I'm not as sure about the necessary variety. Sleep - had enough, nice dreams.

Had my first coffee. I think I wanna have coffees faster, cause it takes so long sometimes. But now I have to take a break and do a little chore that isn't too fatiguing, but it might take some time. So there's gonna be a break between now and later. (o rly?)

⌛⏳⌛

Did the chore - cut the grass on the lawn. It's surprisingly long and uneven, so I settled for doing a quick trim without the bag. You see, I signed up for than online coding school in March, thinking I can either ask my mother for the money or be able to pay myself (an above moderate sum every month for two years) She's been paying since I asked her, but always demanding something in return. Sadly, with the additional negative defensive passive-aggresive emotion that comes out of nowhere it feel very unpleasant. Maybe I'm unpleasant too in many ways. Hell, my face is unpleasant by default, hehe. Perks of testosterone. I reckon it'd turn into a real fucking orc if I was roiding, hehe. You see, my facial muscles are pretty thick. Not all of them, of course, but many. Well, I'm ranting and I believe there's nothing wrong with ranting. It's my life and my little diary-blog-training log. Anyway, last time she demanded I remove the fallen tree, this time she asked to trim the grass. Despite the unpleasant feeling inside I wasn't unwilling, because my Ratio (or superego, or conscious) honestly has no problem with this. The emotions, the hormone regulated emotions, they can suck my ass. Hehe. I'm so silly. No matter, let's get back to trying to think what I was talking about... Anyway, as you might have read in the previous posts I've been once again feeling a yearning to go there. And today too. And it's not out of despair. This feeling only comes after succesful powerful workouts. Serotonin or whatever. (Having my first cup of second coffee). But you see, I've also been feeling a lot of very natural despair. There's only so much pain a man can feel before he starts to relax and ignore it. Hmm. Abuse, neglect, many years, disregard, inconsideration, lack of compassion. Well, it happens. Not that big of a deal in the end. You see, I just don't wanna end up a coward and shit my pants for the third time. But I wanna be there. It's a challenge. It's what I've been raised for. It's like gym, but more. It's transcendental. It transcends my masculinity and humanity. And on the other side it's a way out into the new lifestyle, a difficult one. You see, when you beign something new it's hard, and feels much harder that it really is. Like warmup. They always feel hard and they should, cause you're warming up your muscles first and your CNS second. That way you last longer. Anyone would, that's how human body is built. Muscles and energy can last longer than CNS exertion. And the damn flat. Didn't get any money from it. My silly sister moved out of this house into the second shitty house, but because my mom hid that piece of shit there from her (even though she kept telling us she wants to get divorced at the time) the silly sister of mine moved out onto some dumbass rental flat. Just reiterating what happened back in the day in august-october 2020. Yeah, I used to be vague, and now instead of being vague I'm hiding behind the ranting and the stream of consciousness. I gotta get this shit out of my fucking head. And the damn google translate will be very awkward at translating this, cause it's gonna sound, like, in the wrong tone than the way I mean it. No matter, don't care. And if I do manage to do there and hold the shit my ass and don't end up a coward and turn back, then it'll be hard - but only at first. Like a warmup. And I promise I shall remember that. But I'm not in despair. I paid for this month and waiting for my mom to send me money so she can be hte one who pays. It's toxic, but I end up loving my mother and my Ratio (conscious) respects her as a person. Yes, consider Ratio my personal philosophical term I prefer to use - the superego, or my "surface level consciousness" (not un- and sub-). Yes. Well, back to ranting. Anyway, what was I thinking about... Ah yes, the damn flat. I never questioned why it's me and three of my siblings that are signed as the owners of this expensive property. But apparently, I was lied to a little bit - it wasn't done for "the safety in the future", it was done cause that was the only way to privatize it. And when my Dad dies (who kept giving very decent pocket money every month) I asked my mom to give me the same, especially since I'm supposed to be the co-owner, but she shut down my soyboy depressed nineteen year old ass. I didn't object - I was a humble little wannabe christian boy going through mourning and covering up my depression with all sorts of nonsence bullshit, like my interest in strongman sport. And it's a good sport, but it's a "big" shitty ass corrupt sport, and some fellow strongmen of mine are elitist drug sucking shitheads, if you pardon my language. Some of them get illnesses like cancer and dead testicles from sucking up so many drugs. What do you know. Fuck roids and roiders. Anyway, my silly sister demanded mom to pay her money else she's run out the rental tenants from the damn co-owned flat which my mom has been controlling for years. At some points it might have been our only source of income, but things have gotten better since then. And last august my mother gave into the pressure from her conscience or something like that and threw out the damn tenants with a scandal, who didn't hesistate to steal some garbage that they didn't technically own. What do you know. Well, fuck mew anyway, the high and mighty holier than thou idiot. I'm also morally corrupt, I just don't know and can't bring up any examples right now. I reckon I'd come up with a few sins of mine if I thought for a second. Well, I know I'm a lazy leech, as evident from this text. But you see, it's been a long story. There's common shared ownership of things, and despite being a leech, I was humble. I did not demand money from that fucking flat leasing, letting my mother decide what to do with it. Excapt when she decided to let my little sister move to a separate rental flat. I considered that unfair, un August 2020. It was a long talk, and my mother ended up succesfully threatening me emotionally saying that she'll pack everything up and we'll move out of this family house of ours and all move into that cramped piece of shit 23rd floor no fucking air lodging. Yes, the big city, the metro. Fuck that garbage, you'll end up a retard if you live there and breathe that toxic air. Anyway... That was unfair, I demand my mom for fair treated and who shebang-long-scandal happened. I, acting against my interests, dimplomacied that my little sister stays in another small flat where she can whore around all she wants (good for her actually, as long as she doesn't get aids, an abortion or a broken heart, I dont' judge her for that). And that's how it was. I asked my mom for a sum in 2020, and she gave it to me, like a part of the damn rent that the tenants pay, cause that was only fair at the time. I'd much rather prefer we all live together. If I leave this house there'll be only two little braindead boys living here. And I reckon my mom will probably move either tham or this piece of shit in here when I'm gone. I swear, this piece of shit did not pay for what he's done. I don't give a fuck about what naturally happens to him, I only pray to God for justice. And in the end I only got one little sum from the rent, and I once again humbly settled for letting my mom control the income from that fucking thing. And guess what? Last august the damn tenants got thrown out and now my two little sisters live there, slowly ruining the place into unlivable condition. And my mother is alright with that. And I can't help but feel wronged. I'm supposed to have been the co-owner of this flat, yet I did not control any one the income from it ever at all. And I only got bits and piece when I begged for them. And I was alright with that, because my mom and I do not have a bad relationship, and I was humble and let her control it, cause ultimately she's the one who this damn flat was given to and me and and my siblings were only used as tools in privatizing it. And it was all okay as long as she was controllinng the rant and paying for our expenses. But since she let my little sister move there she's been very reluctant to pay for our expenses - at least when I ask her. How come I didn't get to control any of this income, but now I'm supposed to pay for groceries and other shit out of my very slim pocket? I make very little and spend most of it. And my mom has a crazy plan to split this flat into six micro-apartments so that she can get rent from three of them. Cause we got another sibling who honestly deserves the right to this flat as much as all of us, but he doesn't. And mom wants to have one sixth and control other two sixth while my two little brothers are still kids. Honestly, I get her. I'm not going to format this rant and break into paragraphs, I don't give a fuck. It's not meant to be easily readable. I get her. She feels wronged, and she has worked hard. If only our father was alive! Then we wouldn't have to tolerate this abusive sociopath piece of shit alfons that she married. Honestly, a genuinely despicable person, considering what he's done to the kids when they were smaller. He was supposed to go to jail for abusing my little sister at least five times, but he wiggled out of that very well. Only later, after eveyone has had enough, he's gone to jail for two mere fucking weeks for abusing my little brother. Well, he better hope we never find out there's some kind of Freudian elemnt to his action, cause I swear, a very conventional person would want to execute that piece of shit on the spot if he was a molester. But he isn't, even though there were suspicions towards that in 2018, when my little sister was 12-13. I should have kept a better eye on this fucking fa piece of shit, maybe he would have been in jail even then... Well, I wanted to sum up the situation regarding the economics. My mother controlled the income and let my sisters move into that damn co-owned flat, now she's unwilling to spend money on me and the family without a lot of begging and pleading (well, I guess she does spend money then, right?) I know I'm a lazy piece of sht myself, but I am trying so hard to stay humble and not demand anything, which leads to despair. And where's gonna be real despair and I won't get any support I think I need I will be leaving this place and going there, finally uncowarding myself, perhaps. That about sums it up, I guess. The genuine stream of consciousness after 1 and 1/3 coffees. I was supposed to time the coffees so I can have them faster, but look at me. Over an hour writing this rant.

Today we do deadlift. I've been feeling so much soreness in my legs after Monday. I thought I could make today an "in between" session. Maybe it's not the best idea. Maybe I should continue pushing myself. Let's see, what am I supposed to lift numbers-wise... You see, though, the program that I love so much - I've never had much success with maxing out on it, you see. I think the end of the program has to involve more volume around 70-80 percent along some heavier lifts. That way I won't run out of energy. I'm pretty bad at maxing out, you see. The rest doesn't work well for me. So I shouldn't rest, perhaps, not for long anyway. I mean, when you go from doing an exercise two times a week to once a week there's usually no drop in energy (at first!) and a significant increase in strength (including CNS strength). Maybe that's how you're supposed to max out. I need more careful planning and I can't stop typing out my thoughts... ...

Week 8, Session 1. Another collision, hehe. So, 82,5% for 4 sets of 3 and before that 62,5 aqnd 72,5 for 5. So, around... 190 for 5, 220 for 5, and going from 250 to 264 on triples. Actually, sounds quite double. Alright. Well, we'll see.

Played with the Arthropic Claude+ LLM. It's funny. All the usual stuff. https://poe.com/s/J9Bcd1gW7KuyOgbEjIhz https://poe.com/s/ZqqcQkHmnanTpe65xySo

And yeah, the GPTs on Poe coudn't do that. Too weak, context too small, too expensive for them. This Arthopic stuff is hidden treasure. However, on OpenAI site - the actual ChatGPT - it works. So, I take it back.

Despair, despair. I think it's either here or close. Oh well. It has been time for a change for a long time now. Something needs to change.

And now it's 11 PM. Kinda of late. Not sure what to do. Well, no, I am sure about what I'm gonna do now. But I'm not sure what I'm gonna need to do in perspective.

She's been arguing, asking me if I've cut the grass in all the corners, even though that really wasn't implied and I never do that when cutting grass. I felt that golden despair. I dunno, man. It's kinda really pathetic. Then, touched by conscience, she comes over to check on it and calls me on the phone, asking me if I do need it. Well, if she does send it before midnight, that would mean my departure would be postponed by a month. Cause I started making plans on leaving. And this time I'll be very sneaky and it'll probably take a whole day for anyone to figure out I've left. And I better not shit my pants again... Third time's the charm. Gotta keep trying, right?

Well, she did it, so at least for a month I'm free to try and become a better coder.

Workout

No warmup, except for putting on workout clothes, which feels like a warmup

Deadlift

20 - 70 - 120 - 160 - 200 for 5

220 for 5 nice, pretty casually (but that means technique might have been mediocre). Almost shit my pants, it felt like it, but it was just a very strong fart. That means I am activating my core very well! You're never supposed to wear belt tight, it's there for you to brace your abs AGAINST. Beginners don't get it sometimes.

Working sets start here

250 for 3 very difficult, may need some more warmup

250 for 3 slightly better

250 for 3 better, stomach a bit more empty and thus less volatile. It's an important note.

253 for 3 nice. Okay. I'm happy. This felt easier. Slow, but smooth, and I racked the bar and unloaded the plates.

Plante du complexe forestier de Togodo