the first time in a while my workout spoiled by mind things

 29.03.2023

Nice day. Sleep - above average. Nice dreams. Flying. Don't exactly remember. Enjoyed Red Dead Redemption 2 yesterday, online and singleplayer. I should try using the mic. Whenever anyone speaks there they all squeak (official term). And yes some people claim that the audience is mature. It's believeable, cause mature audience prefers not to use mic. Too cumbersome for me.
Nutrition - slightly above average. Ate okay yesterday, had a high-calorie micro-breakfast today.

Feeling... Yesterday I felt better. Yesterday (tuesday) started with residual suicideness from Monday, but by the end of the day I felt much better. Today - I felt good and quiet, peaceful. Then things got a little sad. I'm angry, or rather cranky and bitter. I'm being abused. Not very admittedly. But I am being treated unfairly. And it is rather obvious. It's a personal issue. Let's be real, I shouldn't be writing here. But I reckon I'd have finished it if I couldn't write about. So yeah, writing my innermost thoughts AND keeping it in public access really relieves me.

My brain feels like an iron sponge that's been hammered into dust. Curious picture. Normally your brain feels smoother, more like a cool waterpark where the water is clean - everything flows smoothly. And now it doesn't. But it's okay. Nothing is too bad. I hope I'll survive through this bullshit. And I will not censor myself, since it brings me relief.

Alright. Enough whining. I do have a victim syndrome, on top of actually being a victim. When you kick a puppy everyone is sad, but when you kick a bull no one cares. Then I fucking gore you. Your guts on the floor, and I feel satisfied. Then you can go ahead and butcher me. Serve my balls in a restaurant. Born to dance for your entertainment and be killed. And once I'm dead you'll call me a "noble beast".

I need more relief. I don't feel so bad, let's be real. I feel alright. I just want peace. And I am deadlifting today.

~~~

Why can't I fucking work out during the day? Why do you have to ruin my peace?

No peace. No peace for me. Not inside my dumb fucking head. Fuck everything. Now I'm just complaining for no reason. What a lazy piece of shit. Why do you have to treat me like dirt? I swear, I'll do what I was supposed to do earlier. If I can get my hands on that piece of shit, I can at least have a degree of justice in my life. Tear it into pieces.

Okay, time to deadlift.

Why, why do you have to fucking shit on me? Why? Why don't you give a single fucking fuck?

The translator is gonna have a rough time with this page. Don't be a fucking scrub and learn.

Workout

It ain't going too well.

Deadlift

20

50 

100

150 for 2 overhand

190 for 3 overhand

I  realised I don't wanna do anymore. I'm fresh, but if I get fatigued it's gonna be bad.

Unloaded the bar. It was unusally pleasant to remove the plates while I still had energy.

Wandered around the house, monologuing. You can guess those weren't quite pleasant speeches.

Alright. I put the tea kettle on, and I gotta get me some tea.

Small things, man. Small things don't disappear. And big things really don't disappear. Big things linger for years.

I oughta stop having coffee. It ain't doing me a good one. Go back to having 60 beans. Or a hundred beans. Or maybe just have one moka instead of two. Or, perhaps, a cup of instant coffee and one moka. I had two double ground mokas today. The expensive instant coffee that I have is pretty tasty, it's like a dessert.

Alright. I do gotta do something. You can congratule me on being done early today, at least.

Squat - no heels

4 sets of 15

All of that anger/sadness doesn't seem to be quite as conducive to my creativity as it used to be in 2020/2021. Well, maybe it's not really a factor. I've drawn a few horrible pictures inspired by this meaningless pain. Hung up one on the door, and hid another one in my hidden picture frame. Included a lot of funny little mysteries in the second one.

All I want is peace. Maybe I don't understand peace. Maybe my brain has got links leading to unexpected results. Or a little too expected. Oh well.

I'm not much of a doomster - most of the time. When I play, I think I'm trying to emulate Manowar more than other genres. Didn't use to be quite the case. Maybe I should listen to Manowar more. That could help me, I imagine.

That RDR2 is a really calming game.

That Edge browser seems to be a curious option. I'm sick of Google the corporation. And it's already got my bookmarks imported. And they have the uniquest GPT and, apparently, the only way I know how to access Dall-E. I'm always mixed on AI pics. Awaiting the dreadful day when they become even better, he he.





that's the dall-e one


here i've been experimenting and trying to find prompts that don't create uncanny valley





been playing with midjourney too



letters are from midjourney




And this one's from stable diffusion studio, based on one of those silly drawings I made



some conventional art to clean the palate - also random





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