Monday - the OHP day has been moved to it. A part from Augustine's Confessions that describes me.

 27.03.2023

Nice day. I don't feel so great. Sleep mediocre. Upset. Letting small things get to me. Nice dreams I saw in my sleep. Didn't eat after I woke. Work cancelled. Well, I should at least give myself a quick recharge or some kind by eating a peatun butter sandwich. I've been making peanut butter and jam sandwiches for a while. Indulgent old me. I'm one of those people who choose to spend money on expensive food. So, some people rely on me to buy it for myself and then then can have some too. Or most of it. It's okay, although it does make me upset sometimes. Food is something a good man should be able to share. Money - not necessarily. Food - always, unless in very specific context. Imagine it yourself.

Mind. Human mind. What is physical about it? What is outside of nature? Do numbers exist? Is a chait a char or just strangely shaped piece of wood? Hmm. You can guess based on question to what position I'm leaning. Apparently, there is such a thing as physicalism - it's not as offensive as materialism, but it is more depressing, in a way. It includes materialism with itself, sort of encompasses (doesn't necessarily agree with it in every way). Basically, it states that everything within the universe is physical.

When I was a kid, I dreamt about something being outside of space. Like, when you go up things turn blue, then dark, then black, and then if you keep going you'll reach someplace else. That was a cartoonish little dream.

I know very little. And everything I know is based on things I believe in. I believe the things I see are representative of reality. But I can't prove it, and, most likely, I cannot have it defintely proven to me by someone else.

I wish I could just jump ahead in time when the brain will be more researched, using these extensive tools which are starting to be developed today. These tool reach quality through quantity. It's the only way. Behind every masterwork is at least a dozen or a hundred or more of failed projects. A good master doesn't stop until he's dead.

Well, off to make that toasty high calorie sanguich to replace a decent meal. Perhaps I'll have a spoonful of dry protein powder to convince myself I've gotten all the necessary macronutrients. It worked in the past! And you know what else? Honey. A secret, but very blunt weapon for gains. And it's got vitamins too! Now I am smiling, knowing that I won't be starved for today's workout. I need to draw another picture.

~~~

It's alright. My little brother woke up thinking it's 12 hours in the future. Funny childhood things. He didn't believe me when I told him it's 7 pm. Fed him some of that meat I have bought that is still left over. The other kid pisses me off ever since he tried to kill me. He's stupid, as stupid an average fourteen year old kid. I haven't had develoiped conscientiousness by the age 14 either, so I'll give him a pass. Blood matters, and he suffered a lot as well at a very vulnerable time in his life. My mother is a vile passerby time of a woman. She can't deal with her internal conflicts. She chooses not to take a side, so she betrayed me and refused to help me with my wounds - at first. At that time. And I am talking about very literal wounds right now.

Fuck, fuck, fuck eveyrthing. Let it all burn. I do wanna kill myself so fucking much. Fuck everything.

*sigh*

It's so pathetic. I am pathetic. Let me live my pathetic life. I swear, stay the fuck away from me. Let me wither away in peace. All I want is peace. I want to be left in peace. All the dogooders that come to "help" and end wiping their feet on me. Fuck them. Fuck their "I wanna look good and feel good" intentions. Fuck them. No real help. Posturing. Bullshit. Stay the fuck away instead of pretending to help. No decisiveness. No feeling. No compassion. Just a desire to look good and feel a little nice. Oh well. It's just an emotion. No one did the right thing. Fuck them.

~~~

Of course, spewing out all this bile helps. It helps me calm down. Personal diary in public access. Also a training log. Actually working out right now. It's a way of life. Not much reward, but it's a strong habit. I hope I'll never break it.

I write about a lot personal issues with a degree of vagueness. Two big issues. My tormented voluntarily abstinent sexuality and my PTSD/depression/hatred whatever.

I like to think I'm not like other boys. Augustine talked to his friend, young friend. About sex life. Augustine was a 21st century man when it came to sexual frivolousness - until he grew older and wiser and found Christ and realised the Bible (or parts of it) is not literal (DUH). He is a Saint and a Father in the Universal Church, before it split into Catholics and us (Orthodox Christians).

I'd like to find that particular passage, since we're discussing my sexuality. It sums up how I feel right now.

Workout

Warmup - some, and during sets too

Overhead press

ez bar

20

50 for 5

70 - 2 sets of 5

As expected, my shoulders feel so much more enegetic today after the Saturday workout. You'd think one would be stronger after resting, but that is only true if one stays in shape. And an important part of "staying in shape" is your muscle cells regaining accumulated energy - glycogen and creatine, and they only do that for a couple after being loaded. That's why it's important to have light, but powerful workouts, not the light kind of workouts that you cause you can't do anything else (those are nice too, but not for direct progress). [physical culture tag added]

80 for 5 nice

90 for 5 great

Actually, I don't remember if I have done 90. What a shame. I think I did. I'm confused.

Push press

90 for either 2 or 3 sets of 3... I think it was three sets.

Some stretching - overhead, front rack

Squat

90 for 5

90 for 2 sets of 15 - nice, pumped quads, felt my abs, and got nostalgic as the right side of my back got pumped. I've not felt it in so long! I must be twisting myself under load. Oh well.

I must exert more control in bottom point in squat.

~~~

I was talking about Augustine earlier. Let me find it... NGL ChatGPT is becoming too much of a helper. I should learn to do things differently. Of course, chatgpt could not actually help - apparently, this was too complex. But Bing's GPT - same model, but more skill (or is it GPT4?..) helped me. Directed me to part 6 chapter 11. And it was not it. But chapter 12 was! I remember this part well. I will bring it up in Russian.

https://azbyka.ru/otechnik/Avrelij_Avgustin/ispoved/#sel=362:1,363:60

22. Алипий удивлялся тому, насколько я увяз в липком клее этого наслаждения336 (а он высоко меня ставил), ибо всякий раз, когда мы разговаривали друг с другом по этому поводу, я утверждал, что никоим образом не смогу прожить холостым. Видя его удивление, я стал защищаться, говоря, что существует большая разница между тем, что он испытал украдкой и мимоходом, чего он почти не помнит и чем поэтому так легко, вовсе не тяготясь, пренебрегает, и моей длительной, обратившейся в сладостную привычку, связью. Если бы сюда добавить и честное имя супружества, то нечего бы ему и удивляться, почему я не в силах презреть такую жизнь. В конце концов Алипий сам захотел вступить в брак, уступая отнюдь не жажде этих наслаждений, а из любопытства. Он говорил, что хочет узнать, что же это такое, без чего моя жизнь, ему вообще нравившаяся, кажется мне не жизнью, а мукой. Душа, свободная от этих уз, изумлялась моему рабству и от изумления шла на то, чтобы испытать эту страсть и, может быть, от этого опыта скатиться в то самое рабство, которому она изумлялась; она ведь хотела «обручиться со смертью», а «кто любит опасность, тот попадает в нее»337.

То, что украшает супружество: упорядоченная семейная жизнь и воспитание детей – привлекало и его и меня весьма мало. Меня держала в мучительном плену, главным образом, непреодолимая привычка к насыщению ненасытной похоти; его влекло в плен удивление. Таковы были мы, пока Ты, Всевышний, не покидающий нашей земли, не сжалился над жалкими и не пришел к нам на помощь дивными и тайными путями.

Keep in mind - I am more like Alypius. And I'm thankful. But I still suffer sometimes (or very often, in periods).

Been playing RDR2 so much, I'm in love NGL. Back to gaming nights, hehe. Not very busy tomorrow, but I do have to wake up earlier. Just... pray to God for me. If you are reading this. Even if you're reading this in a millenium. I believe you might. It's strange. I don't know you, I don't know who you are. But somehow, I feel we are connected. Maybe you're not even human. But I believe we are connected. I feel it. I feel... something more. Maybe this is the ever aforementioned "religious experience". Or a part of it. Feeling... something. Can't prove that I'm actually feeling it rather than imagining it. And what is that "it"? I speak in vague tongues, but I believe our shared expeirences - or similar experiences - can allow you to understand it. Don't be after to delve in it. The darkness hides very complex structures. Don't be afraid to walk over to them and touch them. And you will feel! You will feel what I feel. Don't be afraid.

Random picture of the day, speaking of RDR hehe