source biography quest - Rapsodomant at work, high bar squat PR

 20.03.2023

Nice day. Sleep decent, nutrition almost. Feeling good in my head, but not really. Thankfully, it's not as bad. But you make me sad. I can't help but think you're trying to kill me, to get me to kill myself. You just act like you do. I can't help it. I can't be responsible. The boy pisses me off too. He's not penitent for literally having attempted to kill me. If he ever acts like that again I shall hand a knife and tell him to sticke me in my throat. Victim mentality. Who would have expected. Maybe it'll come to an end one day. I'm sick. I'm sick overall and sick of this shit. IT's funny though, I don't actually feel bad. I just wish I wasn't being attacked for no reason. Fuck you. Burn in... I wanted to say the real bad word. I don't condemn anyone to hell. It's not mine. But it's a common hateful expression, and I can't help myself sometimes. I want it to end. I'm sick of this bullshit. Why don't you treat me a tiny bit better? You don't want to apoligize for what you've done. And you've done very bad things. You've hurt me a little too much. You betrayed me and my family. You have no penitence unless your brain gets flooded with appropriate hormones. Your penitence, if you ever have it, is physical, not rational. I'm a hypocrite. I belong in hell, in emptiness. But God, I hope, has mercy on me. I'm a whimsical little tantrum thrower. I'm multiple people in one body. I'm too different from me. I am not a person. I am barely a script. I'm something vile and pathetic. I should be desinfected from this earth.

Anyway. I'm massively perplexed. I'm feeling a little unusual. I've felt it before. It's gonna lead to unexpected pain. The spring, the metal spring. I don't wanna tighten it when it's not appropriate. You see, the spring is meant to snap on enemies of God. Not on my enemies. But it gets tightened from small things. I'm massively deluded. By definition, you can not know if you are deluded.

I think I'm being unnecessarily poetic. I've been wronged. I hope I'm rather wrong than wronged, ha ha. I want it to end. I want the bad people to be gone. I assume things will get better when they're gone, but I know I might be quite wrong. Why? Why does it happen? I'm not fucking "off my rails" right now. Beleive it or not, I feel alright.

I need to work out today. You have no penitence. You have no penitence. You have wronged me. You have betrayed me. Why? Why did you do this? Why did you forsake your faith? Why did you abandon your principles? Why did you leave me? Why are you not human? Why are you not a person? Why are you as vile as I am? Ha ha. Funny. I'm a worthless piece of shit. I just want to be left in peace. You will leave me in peace.

~~~

It's pretty late. Things will get better. Things - including me as a person - are getting better. Maybe that's one of the reasons it's not actually that bad. I'm trying to do something with my pathetic existence, even if I'm not doing it very well. Life takes time. Judging, counting, measuring, condemning. That is what the apthetic worms do. Worms. Moving flesh, ready to start rotting. No purpose in them. No life, no spirit, barely a soul. And I am like that too - but only most of the time. Pathetic, but wishing not to be. Like many. Wishing to be free, succumbing to earth, into earth. Hypocritical worm pretending to be an eagle.

~~~

Anyway, I feel like I wanna write something positive today. I believe in "ratio". Ratio being the word for "rational mind".

I'm just gonna act like an "adult", I guess. Maybe I'll let my positive emotions out. I'd like ot imagine I don't have to gaslight anyone into penitence. I'll just pray to God so I'd be left in peace. Peace being the keyword in our case.

I have had more than two coffees today. It's alright. I'm not jumbled. I am, in fact, so strangely calm. It's good. I fear it might change. I need to take care of myself.

~~~

Workout

Small warmup

Squat - high bar, weightlifting style (I imagine)

20 for 10

70 for 10 - Groin area feels very fragile. Can't do splits! (No one in their right mind should).

100 for 5

120 for 5 alright, super easy

150 for 5 - okay, fighting to keep back upright. These three sets done quickly. Now gotta take breaks. I want volume, I want strength endurance, I will have carbs.

150 - 4 sets of 5 - nice. It was mostly done without long breaks upstairs.

I think this is a small PR. First of all, I'm not exactly sure, but I think I've never done 150 for 5 in a high bar squat. And I definitely have never done it for 5 sets. Small PR!

I have tagged today with "garage gym" again. It feels like an oldschool workout.

Gotta pray to God when your mind runs out. Good end, good outcome. It helps. It just does and you know it quite well. Even you.

Enjoying this today -

Rapsodomantia. Funny. Been doin that too often for no reason. Nice word and thematic for a song, I guess! Random, randomness. Hmm.