Eleventh of January 2023, Wednesday - Natural torment of the mind, nice deadlift and drumming

 11.01.2023

I don't feel so great today. Feel negative. The flesh is bearing down. We all want things. I wish I never wanted anything. Having to deal with other people who want things is spirit crushing to an idealist like me. Just like ten years ago, I want to disippate in air, just disappear and live freely. But there's no freedom from our nature. Greed. desire to be treated fairly or better than the rest. That's pro0blematic with people care about. And there's also a small amount of people that I don't care about that are somehow present in my life. There's negativity. Formless. It's formless right now. Man, I should not have had so much coffee on monday. That was a mistake.

It's 19:25 at the moment. I just finished having my first coffee. The last 22 grams of bushido red arabica, double ground. Tastes nice. Energy low. The social fucking shit just fucking drains me so much. I wish I never saw or heard anyone when I realise how much it drains me. It's funny how something inside of your silly little skullbox can make you feel so tired so quickly, as if you were working all day. I hate you for you judgement. You never understand. You think I'm weak, you have no compassion. You think I'm weak and ill, but I am exactly like you. You just refuse to understand that what's happening to me has been happening to you before, uner very similar circumstances. One would think you would learn from that experience. Learn some wise compassion. But no, you're here to throw blame and demand. Demand and demand and demand. I can't deal with this. I don't care. I will fucking kill myself when the tension reaches the boiling point. I will not make a decision to kill myself, it just will happen, because that's how tension works. Put some tension on an object and it will break or tear. I fucking hate this shit. I fucking hate people. And I hate this hatred. I don't choose to hate, I just feel it. The best I can do is shut my mouth and not let evil spill out of me. It's best to just ignore this tension and maybe it'll pass by. Just like it's easier to ignore pain when you're relaxed and you know the pain is temporary. This tension is temporary. Why is my fucking throat closing up all tthe time? It's like I'm trying to speak and I'm not saying anything. Okay, let's have another coffee.

Hatred, hatred, hatred. Dreams of murder and suicide. It's not as intense now as it used to be. It's just that wronged, mistreated and maimed. And those whose helped I yearned, those whom I relied on just chose to escape. When confronted they simply declined to help. Fuck them. They will burn in hell. Or so my emotions tell me. I personally, rationally, don't think that they will or should burn in hell for refusing to help me when I needed it the most. Hell is a serious matter. I believe most things should be excusable. But being excused for something doesn't mean you'll get to be treated as if nothing happened. Maybe you do something bad, exposing yourself as a sociopath. Maybe you do it to someone who can take it and dish out punishment in return, but somehow they choose not to do it, tormented by their christian beliefs. Kicking a puppy is much worse than, let's say, cutting a big scary ugly mentally unstable dog with a knife. Sure, that ugly dog might be a loud barker and a growler. But that big dog got around by looking big and scary rather than actually getting into fights. It's used to intimidating, rather that fighting. So, when you cut a dog like that with a knife, beat it for thirty minutes, break it's leg and nose and chip it's tooth no one's really gonna care. Sure, it's an old family dog, it's been around fro a while and we all like this ugly menacing dog, a loud barker, at least a little bit. Sure, we all like this old ugly pus-ridden stinky dirty bleeding dog. But no one is going to punish the guy who went after the dog and spilled it's blood. People expect this old ugly dog to fight back at least a little bit. And the old ugly dog fought back - a little bit. It was not sure. But it got beaten and maimed. And no one really cared. Cared enough to patch up the dog. But not to go after the offender. The offender, who is a sociopath, is a rabid piece of shit. He does bite. He is a small loud with sharp teeth. He'll bite you and immediatelly start screaming squealing and crying. "Oh, your leg hurt my fangs!" he's gonna squeal. "Oh no, you shook your leg and threw me to the ground, oh no, I'm dying!" he squealed. He's one loud barker. And he gets to do what he wants.

Until he kicks a puppy. Kicking a puppy is a proverb. Like "taking candy from a baby". But it means hurting someone who can't protect themselves. Sure, then this piece of filth does get a little bit of blowback. And maybe even a government agency comes after this piece of shit to put away for two weeks. That's cool. Someone who should have been protecting us, someone we relied on is gonna fucking wipe their ass with us when the push come. "Sure, shove away, I'll be sitting here, enjoying my peace," they're gonna say. They don't give a fuck. Why did my father have to die so early? He could have dealt with this. The paternal instict is powerful enough to not be afraid of consequences. Me? I am alone. Left to fucking rot as I walk. Oh well.

Unavenged. Still unavenged. Crush skull? Perhaps. They live like nothing happened. Meanwhile I contemplace suicide. And I can kill in return. Because the law doesn't give a shit. No one gives a shit. No one fucking gives a goddamn shit. Everyone is afraid. Everyone is lazy. No one gives a fuck about the ugly old proverbial dog. Because he's ugly and seems mostly useless. Hell, he couldn't even protect himself well enough! What a weak little bitch, that ugly old dog. Could not protect himself. Could not prosecute the offender. Or maybe he was too lazy. Or too busy. Either way, we don't care about him. Honestly, we would be happy if he bit down on the throat of that piece of shit and killed him. We'd be happy. We'd say "justice served". But then they would agree it's only reasonable to put down the ugly old dog. Then they would agree it's alright.

You think you can get away with anything? You think that? Or maybe you don't think at all. You hope that no one's gonna care. That no one's gonna go after you for what you've done. But one day, when you're alone, when the stars align. You will make a slip and you will fall. For the last time in your pathetic parasitic sociopathic life. You will fall and you will be forgotten. And those who never cared will say "good riddance, now we dont' have to worry about dealing with this piece of shit. Not that we ever were gonna!"

~~~

How an I gonna deadlift today after all this shit? He he he. It shouldn't be too hard. I just need some time.

I should always remind myself to lock the garage doors from inside when I'm working out. Don't want anyone interrupting my workout.

~~~

20:45. Gonna have a third coffee. See if it takes me out of this particular state. Because it can. The days when I had 60 beans are pretty far away, ha ha ha ha. I oughta give it a shot again. But I no longer have muscle issues. I've developed some very specific endurance, as well as a way to deal with issues and tweaks that I used to have.

Perhaps I'd like to have some classic pot coffee, rather than a moka. Hmm.

You know, sometimes I just kinda wanna live. Go and see new things. Feel the things I used to feel. Something else than what I'm used to. I wish I wasn't feeling burdened and tied down to the ground. But I know that every action of mine has consequences. A lot of them undesirable. *sighs* What a dumbass.

~~~

If you make it through something without quitting - consider that a win, he he. Having a third coffee. Lavazza 80/20 whatever shit. It dared to cost more than pure arabica. Should have been reading. I was really precise making it. 22 grams of beans have turned into 23 grams of double ground powder as I scraped every little bit of it form the grinder. 195 grams of water. Brought close to a boil. Now I'm going to taste it.

Thank God I feel a little better now, a bit more cheerful. Strange, isn't it? Just needed some time, that's all.

I've been pretty obsessed with fixing the caravan network in Sim Settlements in the last few days. I'm seeing the developer - Kinggath - has released a beta of the new version on the forums. I'd love it if it got fixed. Downloading it now. In game, I have destroyed or replaced all caravan plots, but somehow it did not disconnect any of the settlements that were still connected to it before. Interesting, I guess.

Haven't figured out what I'm gonna lift today. Might be pretty heavy.

4 sets of 3, going from 230 to 247. Should be feasible? I think so. I might be in the mood to take the player downstairs, for the first time in a long time. Gonna enjoy myself fr fr.

Once I moved the phone away fron the window and put it on top the PC the speed improved drastically. Why, I wonder? You'd think it'd be the opposite. I plugged the wireless mouse into a different USB port, took away the player (in Russia we still like to call these "magnetophone", the name stuck since a long time ago), and I moved the phone fromt eh windowsill to on top of the philosophy textbook, which is on top of the PC tower. Maybe there's less disturbance, maybe cause it's higher, maybe cause it's not cold. Maybe the tower works as a satellite dish. I wish I knew. I'm always curious. My mind needs all possible answers, seeing how I know for a fact I can't have objective truth. In fact, there might not be a correlation between moving the phone and the internet speed changing. IT's not WIFI, it's connected by a usb cable, as a router (in Russia we prefer to call them "modem", or at least I do, still).

I moved it back to the window and the speed did drop again. From 4 mbps to less than 2. Moved it back and it's now at 3. Well, it suddenly changed to 1,5. Weird. Back to 2-3. I imagine a schizophrenic person pays a lot of attention to seemingly unimportant things. It looks like a movie/book trope when talking about a mentially ill person. Well, if it is, then I'm breaking the 4th wall. Ha ha. There's not enough subtle and quaint 4th wall braks in media. A lot of people are creative enough to imagine their life as sort sort of work of fiction, so when describing them it's quite alright to crate fake 4th wall breaks. Like, a person in a TV show could imagine they're a character in a book. I would find that entertaining.

Glory be to my Lord. Maybe I should have started lsitening to some music earlier (preferably not Ahab, which is what I listened fr at one moment, he he he). Brings me up to where I should have been.

~~~

Workout

Crazy warmup

Deadlift

20 - 50 - 70

120 for 5

160 for 5

200 for 5 - 2 overhand, 3 mixed grip

230 for 3 mixed grip

242 for 3 mixed grip

245 for 3 - 2 mixed grip, 1 straps

247,8 for 3 straps - nice

247,8 for 3 - great, feeling awesome and stronger. I did not expect to handle such a volume at around 80% of my max.

Tired, but unloaded the plates and even tried pinching a pair of 25s with my right. Got it off the floor.

Today I made it special. I listed to music on the player. That was great. Expect on last set I used my earbuds.

Drummed for 3 sets. Usually i drum after finishing the lighter portion of the warmup and during first working sets. One set - warmup, second - simple grooves, third one - improvisation and complex grooves. Got Purdie shuffle stuck in my head. The one with a 16th note. The simplest one. Great stuff, honestly. Not very metal, but can be. I like to play my bass drum more. On all the 8ths and more. Sometimes it's important to learn to just use snare and bass.