Monday, 2nd of January 2023 - Nice light-medium workout, strained in my CNS

 02.01.2023

Nice day. Angry for small reasons. Decent, moderate-sized late breakfast. Was pretty low on energy yesterday. Bought groceries, including another small bad of red bushido coffee beans. It's nice. Had two mokas so far. Angry at the internet now, like in the good old days. Not sure what I'm gonna lift today. Kinda wanna do one-arm presses. Should be fun.

Before yesterday I had issues with the main quest in Sim Settlements 2. There's a bug in the main quest of chapter 2 - when you attack GNN (not enough of a spoiler, I guess?) you get locked in the loading screen. And funny enough, this loading screen just no business being there, because just using a console command does the same thing, except without doing the black screen. And the main character of the quest (Jake) dares to make a joke about it. It would have been funny if it worked, but instead it just upset me a little bit. And than one night I managed to fix it, and then I died so many times because of random exploding cars, I guess? Survival mode is still hard enough. If I die more than three times tonight I should bring anti-explosive power armor, he he. Cheese. Also, I cheated in a rapid light machine gun. Cause I've played for too long, I just wanted to feel it. Too bad heavy guns require you to use Power Armor in FO76. Well, if you wanna optimize em. I used a (quad) harpoon gun stealth build, really OP when you stack crit damage bonuses. In that case - power armor is countereffective.

Well, enough about video games. I played electric guitar a bit today. Gotta change strings, maybe. Or, perhaps, I should write a song first and then record it with new strings. I gotta get the downstairs recording setup going. What if I didn't bother and just used the old Cakewalk version to record stuff? Ultimately, it's got all the essential stuff. Can't be bothered upgrading eveyr little thing.

Tried Musescore 4 today for the first time. Pretty exciting, but I gotta learn a lot more. Looks simple to use, that's good. VSTs and stuff. Interesting.

Workout

Light warmup

My right shoulder continues being tight. I guess it's a small tweak. Not sure how I got it. It's been more than two weeks.

Overhead press

2 kg dbs - 1 set of 20

6 kg dbs - 2 sets of 20

Bottom up one arm kettlebell press

16 kg - 3 sets of 10 - pretty hard for the right, wrist is tight. Hopefully helpful for some of the undertrained small muscles. In the end it became much easier, once I figured out the palm position.

32 kg - 1 rep, couldn't fix it on top. I used to be able to do it back in the day, possibly even for a few reps. My kettlebell handle is pretty uneven, however.

Second - rep did not succeed. We'll get back to it.

Squat

Some more light warmup

15 reps BW

16 kg kettlebell for 15 reps - goblet squat

32 kg kettlebell for 15 reps - same

Front squat - absolutely can't bend my shoulders today

20 - 50 - 70 for 10

and one more set, not sure if 80 or 70 for 10

That's about it. Loved front squat. It was comfortable and felt good almost all the time.

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There's something a little wrong with my nervous system. Today I'm too easily upset. I almost completely lost it when I couldn't find a strainer from my teapot. Turns out it was my brother who put it away with wrong glasses. And I almost lost it. Was close to a hysterical breakdown. Luckily, intuitively I felt it was him rather than mother, so I asked him to find and he did. Else it'd be pretty bad for me. I don't know, man. I don't know why this shit happens and why I feel so vulnerable. When stuff like this happens it feels like an absolute direct attack. And i'm very conflicted because I try to hold it back as much as possible. WHen I was younger I had fiery outbursts. They helped calm me down easily. just kick something and you're back to being a normal person. Nowadays I don't want to allow myself to let it out. I just can't. I feel upset and I feel like my close ones are conspiring against me. BUT I know this is only a feeling. Not a real thing. I know it. Or at least I think I do. It's just that I have no rational reason to believe they're trying to make me kill myself. I blame caffeine. Without caffeine my freakouts are simply internal. I don't let them out. Fuck, I hate absolute faggots that point out my widened pupils when i'm mildly nervous and try to hide it. I wish those people were burned and kept alive as long as possible, but ultimately succumbed to fire and turned into ashes as the resonance of their screams died out. I've seen too many people like that who tried to point out and expose my nervousness to the world. Saying I'm high on drugs or shit like that. If I let myself do what I wanted to these people they wouldn't feel quite nice, I guarantee you that. People like that make me feel vulnerable. They're dragging my skin off me. Fuck them. I hope they slip on their own impulses and see that it's not right to punch down on the vulnerable. Fuck them. Fuck them a thousand times. I wouldn't condemn them to eternal damnation, but I'd love to see people like that suffer.

Ha ha, good old caffeine. There are a few pastas like this spread throughout my blog. I'd like to imagine I'm not insane. I'm just a little strained. My nervous system is. Good old caffeine + insecurity, he he he. Don't talk to me. Don't look at me. Just leave me alone. Let me cool down. I am trying to hold myself back all the time. It takes effort. Thank God I am holding myself back. Thank God I'm more or less capable of that.

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Well, at least that makes me inspired to make some nice music. Maybe even draw something. It's being prepared.