Monday, December 19th - Light squat, still not have gone

 19.12.2022

Nice day. I'm dissatisfied with my sleeping. All days feels like one as I am waiting. Worked, had a small breakfast, having coffee.

Feeling great and confident today. When you reach "highs", when you train unnecessarily intensively, you enjoy yourself very much. It's not just about training, of course. Other things, other pleasures can make you reach those highs and then you fall from them. You crash and feel bad. Then you crawl out. My may 2020 method was very helpful in eliminating the "crashing" and staying above medium, so you're always on the "high". Inevitably, you need - rationally speaking - to push yourself further and then fatigue yourself. I'm talking mentally, although it can apply to other characteristics. Lately I've been feeling insufficient, incapable, like a coward hiding, lonely. Althought I'm definitely not hiding. It's just that I'm not taking enough effort to get where I need to be. I shall purchase the last of supplies sometime soon and hoefully go before it's december 24th. It's a special date for me, a small thing, a small memory that doesn't have much meaning. It's just a memorable notch in the timeline. A "snapshot" or a check point, if you will. And I need to go soon. Today I thought of three ways things can go. Number one - things will just stay the way they are, mostly pathetic but not too bad as my main activity is making up meaning for the things I do. Living a calm soft life, trying to compensate it by owkring out and acquiring new skills. Not too bad. Other way - changing my lifestyle to conform to the so called societal norms a little bit more (even though I very much comform to them already). That way is most likely to produce a loss of meaning. Dreadful. So what if I'll have a bit more money? Worthless. It could, technically speaking, become something else, something more satisfying. But that's an "if" argument, and I am in hate with such arguments.
And the third way is the one that is going to happen. Something that can be called a radical change, although when you look at it nothing intrinsic changes to a degree sufficient enough to be called radical. It's a fulfilment of what I lived for. Meaning. It is a next step, not a step back. If I go through it - it will be something. If I don't - it will be nothing. My life will be nothing meaningful. A challenge. A reason to work for something. Something I foresaw all my life. Something I dreamed of all my life. It has to happen, no matter how scary, no matter how tesne and uncomfortable. If only I was always as confident as I am now. Because I know there is not going to be turning back. There will be waiting. A lot of waiting. Waiting through the hardship. And working towards the goals. Filled with meaning. Eternal meaning.

From this point on my training will be lighter. Until I'm gone. And when I'm back I might consider returning to progression. Until then I simply forbid myself from lifting more than 50% of any of my maxes. That will help me compress my energy level. Bring down the highs and bring up the lows. I wish to be low, because that's what I am most of the time, considering my training style. Reach proper heights in moments of satisfactory glorious heavy lifting, and then you are lowered. Well, no more. I swear, I am going this week. Or I am putting as much effort as I can into it.

Made a call. They keep telling me to wait. Suggesting that there's a procedure. Oh well. What do you know! Patience. So I can deal with that pointless tension.

⏳⌛⌛

Second coffee and it's 9 PM. Hmmm...

Workout

Warmup - kinda long. Joints a little fragile. Then it got better, of course.

Squat - sets of 10

20 - 50 - 70 - 90 - 100 quickly

100 and another set after a break.

Feels good. Joints and muscles feel great. Now I'm gonna cool down and take a short walk, less than one kilometer, but with the new backpack. I wanna test it. It's got 10-12 kgs of stuff in it. It better not tear, he he. We'll see how long it'll take me to talk 840 meters (roughly).

Did that. Felt good. Light pumping of legs. Got sweaty. Time on the clock - 8:37.

INSIDE AN ANCIENT LONDON CHURCHYARD, an ash tree is encircled with hundreds of overlapping gravestones placed there by classic novelist Thomas Hardy. https://www.atlasobscura.com/places/the-hardy-tree-london-england