October 8th, 2022 - Return

 08.10.2022

Nice day. Arrived back home. Sure wasted a lot of mine and others' time. Psychological phonomenon, trying to defy fear. And I didn't have much emotional fear, clearly, since I easily kept playing the silly game of chicken with myself all the way up to the point of no return when my ratio grabbed a hold of me and forced to not commit a silly act. Exhanging things that valuable to me - i.e. my time, health and overall happiness - for something I imagined I would have (unlikely) and something I simply did not need. Can't tell you exactly what happened. Just can't.

I made a long trip somewhere far away, then back home. Mostly boring, although I did get to experience a few new things. There was a girl that kept looking at me. I realise now she looked like me, but with an even bigger nose. Very cute. And she had really wide hips. One day I might change my stance on the whole reproduction thing. Sometimes I just feel stumped, you know. It's not like I'm against anything, it's more like I don't have an opinion, so I choose not to act.

You can be mentally ill without having an actual illness. If you believe in something harmful. That's "rational" illness, perhaps? Funny hearing these words from a wannabe religious person. Some people could say my religiousness has turned into more of a principial philosophy based on the christian religion, but they wouldn't be completely correct.

Anyway, enough accidental hating on religion. It's extraordinarily silly. Religion needs to be protected, explained and taught. Not to be gaslighted into. The University is one of the few places where religion is taught the way it should be. But, it is actually pretty hard. Let's hope the absolute minimal basics that get taught in churches won't be corrupted by superstition or intentionally.

Anyway, more to what I did this week... As I mentioned before, I can't tell you what happened. But I experienced sort of an "ego death", once again. And I got disillusioned about what I believed in. Not changed my mind radically, but I did come to understand that a lof of things in my mind very strongly overexaggerated, partially thanks to propaganda from various sources.

And, upsettingly, real life doesn't feature as much fantastical and aesthetic overexaggeration as I imagine it to.

I was gonna leave for a long time. Was glad to find out that a lot of people were happy to see me come back, including my clients. That I'm not just a professional, but a friend, to a degree, capable of building real human connections, which is, of course, something astonishing and unbelieveable.

A "spiritual journey", if you will. I didn't discover much, but I did lose a few un-truths. So, that's something. Speaking of that random girl - at some point I felt like "I do wanna reproduce!". I keep using the word "reproduce", but keep in mind, I am a Christian man.

---

My BW today is 107 kgs. A little lower than last time. To imagine at some point in summer it reached up to 114. Well, after this spiritual journey I'm gonna take it slower.

Also, I tried caffeine pills for the first time this week. They're extremely intense. Had two small mokas and one pill today. Feel like it might be a mistake. Maybe not.

Workout

Overhead press

20-50

70 for 10

80 for 10

80 for 10 very strict, 5 RPE

85 for 10

90 for 9 and a half - I made it too strict. It's okay. I'm laid back today, reaccumulating CNS and cellular energy.

Squat

3 sets of 10 - BW

Feeling frain in my ears and nose. A random ass haircut on a whim after four years. And I lost my audio player after ten years! Or even eleven! Gah. Well, it was dirty and grimy.

I saw a representation of mothman on my spiritual journey and it's wasn't the most pleasant one. Perhaps he was the "vengeful one", quite irrational. If I could tell you everything it'd sound funny to you, as it is to me. Pattern seeking brain searching for supernatural signs and finding them quite easily. Curious!

---

The news, the news, they're going to drive me nuts. I simply must stop reading and watching them.

Random pictures of the day








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