05

 05.09.2022

I wanted to say that are okay, but they just aren't. Overall - they're not too bed. Practically - I'm still being betrayed and mistreated. How? Can't go into details. Or at least I don't feel like it. Will it make me look bad? Yes, because I am not good. Not enough control. Internal conflicts. But, let's just you can't accuse me of doing anything. If I look bad it's because I'm not doing something, rather than doing it. Similar situation occured almost exactly two years ago. Unfairness. It was worse back then. I wasn't as satisfied with some thing in our life, so I was more eager to fight for justice and fairness. This time I didn't bother. I should have. Fowl of the air, I say. Meanwhile, the people on the ground are yelling at me, telling they're gonna shoot me. And I just ignore them, hoping nothing bad is gonna come from them shooting me. It's a parable, just so we're clear, I'm not speaking literally.

Yesterday was one of those empty days. Little sleep, little productive action. Played guitar a tiny bit, so that's something. Fell asleep early and woke up at two. Then couldn't sleep for a long time. Then I slept during the day and worked. Then I had my coffee and some pointless meaningless stress alonjg with it. But hey, at least it's not the "old problem", even though I wish to eradicate that problem with utmost prejudice, which is what it deserves. That "old problem" is still very much a problem. Just less offensive, thankfully.

I often wonder if stress shortens our lives. I come to conclude that it's most likely that there's no direct correlation between something as general as "stress" and something as complex as "lifespan". But there's definitely an indirect correlation.

I often fantacise about ending it. But I come to conclude that it would be a vile faithless act. And yet I am still drawn to doing it. Ever since I was a kid and started experiencing one of those many internal conflicts between the ideal and real.

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Having my third coffee. Not feeling quite inspired to try and record lyrics today. Well, at this point I find it a good idea to start recording further songs. Cause I can record guitars and bass almost whenever. Even in not very perfect conditions. My throats hasn't fully recovered since friday. And it's already monday. I guess I just gotta write more. And I think I will be reccrding drums in my room in the near future. Tomorrow's not a busy day. I wish to leave some energy for it.

I don't need to do anything specific today. I just need to preserve energy in my legs, that's about all I need. A week ago I gave my pec a mini-tear. I don't bench frequently enough. I guess I should work on my pec mobility today. Nothing needs to be heavy. I just need energy accumulation.

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Ah. Honestly, the music is one of those things that does manage to take me away from the nonsense that I call my life. Well, it's a rather unfair statement, of course. Nonsensical on its own. Just looking at some tabs online, feeling the creativity bubble up inside me. Sure takes away from all the things that feel like nonsense.

It's raining. Most likely not gonna do any painting outside. Didn't do anything yesterday. Waste.

About to go there. I think I'll go for some light pumping. Maybe I'll do a summer 2020 style workout. Then some accumulation squats. I think I need proper control with my hands on the bar, even in high bar squat.

Workout

Bench

20

50 for 15 well, there's definitely some damage. But the strain on my pec is significantly decreased when I raise my head. Maybe that was a mistake all this time. Maybe changing my head position was a bad idea. I did it after seeing a video with whatshisname current bench WR holder... Julius Maddox. There's plenty of strong benchers who do keep their head up.

70 - 4 sets of 15

Narrow grip, ended up doing thumbless right on top of the heel of the palm, forearms mostly vertical. Much less strain.

Sanded some paint spills on the headstock. Warming up the paint to apply very gentle partial coating. The neck itself is almost flawless. I should've just learned to take breaks in between each layer earlier. It does not have to take a whole day.

Squat

A few BW reps, a few reps with 50. Experiencing a form of nociception in my knee. Maybe it's not there. It needs more time. I've been overdoing everything. I haven't had an upstairs workout in a long time. Upstairs ones are refreshing and light.

Started doing some burst layers on the G310 body (guitar).

2 set of 15 reps - BW. It looks more like back squat. Perhaps that's what my body needs more. It does train legs, after all. Not vertical squat a-la olympic weightlifting.

Rubber lat pulls, light - 2 sets of 20

Ring pullups, floor supported

2 sets of 15 reps - my arms and forearms seem to work harder on these compared to normal pullups. Takes me back to august 2020.

Some more rubber pulls, with hard rubber - 2 sets.