03sep2022 - Pushpress

 03.09.2022

Nice day overall. I do suspect, however, that someone I care about is genuinely trying to induce my suicide. Well, perhaps it's an overexaggeration. But I'll keep this here, in public access. This person knows me and knows things about me, including some of my vulnerabilities. And seems to be unashamedly exploiting them. Anyway...

Yesterday was a very productive day. I woke up early, not being to go sleep, feeling kinda like shit, somewhat okay breakfast - ate the meat I cooked, but somehow skipped the porridge. Despite early wakeup and a seeming lack of sleep I couldn't go back. Worked, while having a coffee. Normally I don't allow myself coffee on rest days. But I felt like shit. Then I had another one, cause I made the first one too weak and didn't finish it.

Sometimes I make strange typos. My hands are used to typing some things automatically. Like words that end with "-ion". Instead of, for example, writing "situation" I often find myself writing "situating". "-ing", very commonly used.

I drank way too much water and other liquids yesterday. It didn't feel great. I got really "distracted". My mind was submerged in filth, pretty much against my rational will. Well, I managed to get out. What a conflict. Internal. Seeing how it's so internal - perhaps I shouldn't write about. What kind of filth are we talking about? Well, a rather non-obvious kind, my dear. The filth, the rot, the death. I guess I'm mystifying it. It should be. I don't see how you can stay sane after reading this fucking blog. Did I mention I'm being forced to kill myself? Yeah, that's right. Or maybe I'm wrong. I really hope I'm wrong. Endless conflict. Movement and change. The possibility of multiplicity leads to conflict and suffering. And we ask why we suffer. We are beings of movement and change. Suffering is a part of it.

I sound like an absolute nutcase. If I read this shit from outside perspective I'd assume that it is indeed the case. Or, perhaps, it's just a stream of unfiltered unarchived consciousness. If I was given less brain damage during my developmental years I think I could have been better. But no. Before I turned ten I was put through a lot of highly unneccessary abuse. My mother kicked my grandmother in the ass once, a few years ago, (long before she got dementia), accusing her of ruining her childhood. And then she erased this moment from her own memory. Funny. Is this compromising material? I don't know. All I do know is that I am experiencing a suicidal impulse that didn't develop naturally in me. If I was completely alone, never seeing other humans, living like a wild fucking animal in the nature it wouldn't have been the case. Of course, being Mowgli is significatly worse that struggling with people and suicidal impulses. If you've seen those wolf-kids - they just look mentally retarded. And it's extraordinarily sad, because they could have developed normally if they weren't lost. They're absolutely not like the glorious Tarzan-type of Mowgli from the soviet cartoon. He was a massive gigachad, fighting a tiger and such. Those wolf-kids have crooked spines and their lives are pure stress. Because we didn't evolve to be wild. So, the wolf-kids have no chance at reproduction.

And my chances are low too. I don't care too much, but a little bit. Of course, fear of failure and rejection is one of the reasons I prefer to avoid women. I don't think it's the main reason, of course. The main reason is conflict between the body and the mind. I wish not to be controlled. My mind is me. You won't force me. Or so I hope.

Six o'clock. Didn't eat anything today. Except for yesterday at night. Have no appetite. The weather isn't that great either. But hey, 2021 summer heat would definitely be worse. It's typical cold-er september.

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I hate. Not sure if I'm a proper mood to record. Recorded a few vocal lines yesterday. Developed a new tone for the guitar. Played it. It was awesome. Played a little bit of this tutorial - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wiH1p9bo9Ss My SG just happens to also be in B Standard! Died a million times.

7PM. My throat still feels very strained and sore from yesterday. I really have to be careful with it. The weather is cold too. But, despite that, I think I've gotten a little better. My so called "singing" isn't quite clean at all, except on select parts. That's the only way. Have you heard some of that really uninspired singing? Now having that. Expression is king.
Played guitar a little bit. It's best when you don't have your mastering plugins and such, when you're just playing through your DAW.

Workout

Overhead press

Some upstairs warmup

20

50 for 8

90 for 5

100 for 10 nice, I love how easy it is, despiter technique breaking rather quickly. That means my main motor muscles are in a good shape, while support ones aren't exactly there. Naturally ended up pressing from my pecs while leaning back a lot on the last two reps. Got a leg cramp, small one.

Push press

Some stretching with 50, a few squats, decided to put on my shorts instead of pants.

70 - 90 for 2

120 for 3 easy enough. One push was so powerful it felt like a pushjerk.

120 for 3

Painted the neck horizontally, letting the layers dry up. Took some time. I think I avoided some paint spills.
Started sanding the body. Only high grit paper. Was able to remove some blotches. Not the deep ones. Wondering when I should add the burst. Cause I have a feeling that the sides have thicker paint, since it was harder to sand and there was some "sprayover" from the front and back. Maybe today isn't the last day of blue.

120 for 3

120 - 2 more sets for 3

That took a while. Overall - 5 sets of 3. Danced on the 5th, 4th was very nice and straightforward. Might have not rested enough.

Squat - very high bar, narrow grip, just my fingertips on the bar. This kind of squat lengthens the back lever for me. But I can also really feel it. Tried doing more "bouncing" today.

50 for 6

90 for 5

110 for 5

130 for 5

160 for 6

And that's it. Impulsively ordered hamburgers. CNS kinda tired. Overall nutrition very poor. Must work on that.

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A little later

Checked on the guitar. I definitely have smoothed out a lot of unevennesses. Realistically - I could make it more smooth if I just kept piling on layers. But this is about it. The next will be black bursting. The neck is smooth, the headstock needs some more work through. Still a lot of spilled paint. I was thinking about doing some other color somewhere, like a little paintjob. Not really sure. I like simple things. But it's tempting.

Random pic of the day - photo of a place in Greece, I assume. Stimulates your imagination. You've thought of ancient Greece many times.