June 9th, Thursday - Light workout, feeling a bit 😄🔫

 09.06.2022

Nice day. Did some work. Had a light breakfast. My psyche isn't in the best place, but very overall. Things happen. Slept a tiny bit at night, then the same during the day. Feels okay. Having 35 grams of coffee over 9 times of that in water. Doesn't taste as great today. Maybe shouldn't have started with chocolate.

Don't have a lot of time today, unless I wanna workout at 9. Maybe I do. Is tomorrow a busy day? Not very.

I think I'm going to take it slow today. Work out late at night, especially seeing how it's going to be more chill by that time. I dread to imagine the heatwave like the one last year happening again 😂

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CNS energy kinda low. Really might stick to light stuff today.

Putting an "eating sheet" on the wall helped me get my nutrition in better order. I sometimes mark if I had a proper dietary day or not. And it also has marks for drum and guitar practice. I'm thinking of putting the same sheet for song progress. I'd like to finish my cureent song by the end of june. I'm just too slow. Takes hard work, and even more work when you're experienced and hold yourself to a higher standart.

I'm a little sus of how light my workouts have been. I think the situation will change next week. It's about my subconscious and conscious plans. I was gonna have sort of a "deload", wasn't I? So, no wonder it's all light.

Giving lessons isn't that easy, when you think about it. Especially when you're hyped on coffee, hehe. Well, we're gonna keep it short and sweet. I wanted to try gymnastic pushups. They're the kind that kids do when they try it for the first time - elbows high, flared out, better angle for your body, easier to push yourself off the floor.

Starting the warmup I kind of got out of my sleepy mood. Maybe I'll do some more stuff.

Workout

One arm press

16 kg kettlebell - 2 sets of 10 - feels so much better than the last time I did it. No joint pains!

32 kg kettlebell - 1 set of 10 - I'm not training my monolateral moves enough. And I don't train walking events. I wanna do something about it. But for now - enough shoulder loading. We'll do some OHP on saturday. Slightly higher reps. We'll be doing five doubles going from 120 to 130.

Pushups a-la gymnastics

2 sets of 10 - really unusual for my joints. And for my left upper pec. Not very good.
Was able to do it with my hands on the floor. Not too tight.

Squats

2 sets of 20 with reverse rubber

Then - a very curious summertime exercise!

Walking with a weight - first a few strides with 32 kg kettlebell in one hand (each), then in my hand a-la pressing - in fact, I ran a few strides. Short ones, I don't need hard stuff today, like 5-6 meters per stride. BUT it is hard enough cause I just don't train these forgotten stabilizers often enough. Then a couple strides with a kettle overhead in one hand, left then right. This felt so comfortable and liberating! Becuase, being a musclebound meathead, I often feel un-balanced when i hold things overhead, and that exercise really helped it. So good! Then I walked back upstairs with it holding on me chest (in the clean position) with left hand, that was hard too. Great physical culture tidbit!

Sweating a plenty. I still enjoy wearing a woolen belt. Feels good until sweat gets cold, he he.

Front squats, no heels

7 kg bar - 2 sets of 10 - feels good

Some more rubber supported squats, working on my angles

2 sets of 20

And that's about it. Remember when I used to do wrist curls after every session to help with my wrist pain? Thankfully, it hasn't been an issue lately. Only sometimes after drums and bass. If something hurts from doing something - the best course of action is to stop. Not necessarily permanently, stop might mean to take a break for a week or two and such.

My PVC pipe pieces did not melt in white spirit 😕 Perhaps white spirit isn't powerful enough for this. And also it's possible that PVC pipe is too hard. Maybe I should try melting it with fire, or on a pan. The pan might end up ruined from this. Hmm. I don't find it impossible that I'll be able to melt it a little bit without charring it. Maybe I could do it in the microwave. Probably very bad idea. OR maybe I could just melt em with the heat gun I bought 😀 Sounds like the best solution. Microwave would probably exprode or something, they always do that.

I got signs of self harm on my fucking face. Isn't that pathetic? How would you drive a prepubescent boy to scratch up his fucking dumb face like that? And why? What's happening to him? Why isn't he happy, why is he so reactive? Surely it can't ever be my fault! I always provided and cared for him, jsut being strict enough. Did I beat him? Only when I felt it, only when he drove me mad! 

All my fucking childhood. Constant fucking gaslinghting and beating, pointless controlling. Sure, it's all easy to forget. Sure, it's all forgivable. Fuck you. I wanna tell you to burn in hell, but I really don't. But I really wanna say it, to be expressive.

And now I wanna kill myself. I don't "will" to kill myself. But I'd love to break my own fucking skull over the wall in frustration. Not before I do it to people who actually deserve it, of course. Then, perhaps, I will be the one to deserve death, eh? Ha ha. God, please have mercy on me!

Pray for me, stranger. I don't think I'm suicidal, but I'm definitely more angry and hateful than I've ever been in my life. Triggers, little fucking triggers. So tiny, so little. Just shoot me, you fucking faggots. I know you want me gone. You will burn.

"but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire" - So much more gentle in King James Bible, isn't it? Compared to Russian.

I told you. I told you too many times to count. You don't listen. You tighten the spring in the mousetrap.

Upon the wicked he shall rain snares, fire and brimstone, and an horrible tempest: this shall be the portion of their cup.

I'm done. (FOr today, don't worry :)

Random picture of the day

File:Access Road to Sewage Works, Coxheath - geograph.org.uk - 3360161.jpg 

Inspiring autumn landscape!