Saturday, 15th

 15.01.2021

Rare moments of inspiration. A lot like stepping on a nail. Not always, of course. Stong feelings make me want to create. That's just how some of that brain piping works, I guess. Fight or flight response. I guess when your legs become "light" it's more of a flight response. I often wonder, why is it that by nature someone like me experiences so much internal conflict when faces with violence? I believe we - or some of us - have evolved in a way to protect civilization. It is evolutionarily benefical to be anxious and stressed, rather than rushing to kill and be killed. I've evolved from people who managed to abstain from impulsive killing but were ready to do it when necessary. Or so I would have myself believe. I seem to leaning towards "yay science" crowd more every day. They're not too bad, but they're 100% cringe and often stupid. You know you're seeing one when they start talking about multiverse seriously, with some scientific inclination. I ain't much of a big brain myself. I'm a little wild animal. I was called a "rabid chipmunk" (well, tamias or eastern chipmunk) for some of the things I've done as a younger human. Funny stuff. Psyche. How does it form?

I feel so much fucking pain. And it's goddamn annoying, because it's not physical pain. But it makes me whine and moan more that any kind of physical pain. And that's a fact - I've been through some things, and ever since I was a kid I found it to be rather gratifying to not show any signs of feeling physical pain. People who whined and cried always digusted me. And now I disgust myself on a certain level. No physical pain, but I whine and whine. I'd hit myself if I could. Well, I used to do it unconsciously, and some point I hurt my own eye for a long time. Since then I try to control myself while warming up for a set. 

Just fucking kill me. Stab me in the gut and let me bleed out. I don't give a fuck anymore. I don't give a fuck about you, about what you feel, about why you do the things you do. Because I know you don't. I'm just a fucking NPC in your world. Well, I'll make the game entertaining for you.

Overhead press

Warmup

80*8 nice and easy, just muscle (i.e. no heaving, no momentum). I think I'm getting better with my breathing since the illness.

82*8 nice

Give me a good reason. Just waiting for a good reason. Cause it happened more often that you might think at first. A healthy dose of "extreme prejudice", from me - to you. Because who wants to be mistreated? Mistreatment will lead you to your grave.

85*8

87*8

90*8 nice and okay.
Been feeling somewhat relaxed. Didn't get too much sleep (in other words - not enough), or so I suspect, ha ha. Or maybe these bursts of emotions just tire your CNS our quickly - like fire evaporates water. Gotta have more water. More sleep.

Push jerk

50 - 3 sets of 3 - did one rep of normal PP in the first set. Wanted to do a complex with PP, PJ and deep squat push jerk, but I was way tighter today. More musclebound.

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Some time later

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That's about it for today. Gonna play some more FO4. I've started playing Sim Settlements 2 a couple days ago. A lot of fun, very complex, but hard to run in between settlements in Survival. I gotta start getting perks that'll help me save time, like Strong Back and Moving Target. There isn't enough different perk slots in FO4, but I like the system with the big wall poster. It's tweakable. It just doesn't make much sense that the "Cannibal" perk, for example, is there among all other perks doing mostly normal things. And you end up being too overpowered in the game. And I heard enemies keep scaling with up endlessly. With S.P.E.C.I.A.L. system, if you compare it to real life - you always think about your stats as something fixed for life, more or less. Maybe you go from 6 strength to 10 with intense training, or increase your intelligence from 2 to 3 by getting higher education, but it's mostly fixed. And you get an opportunity to get everything. Well, I think I'll just stop playing before I get too much stuff, PLUS you might consider getting a "disable respawns" mod at some point. After all, it wouldn't make too much sense for raider population to keep flocking into Commonwealth after hearing that the Minutemen killed thousands of them. And yeah, I think Sole Survivor is going to be officially a minuteman in the lore, just like Lone Wanderer didn't side with the Enclave in Fallout 3. You think it's open ended, but it isn't with Bethesda games. To be fair, any franchise that has lore never has fixed lore, as long as the franchise is alive. It's perfectly acceptable and inevitable.