April 12th - nothing interesting

 12.04.2021

Nice enough day. Roughly 2/10 so far. I hate people from my past. If you ever call someone mad or crazy - I think you deserve to be removed from society. Why does a child need to suffer? Just because he's acting weird, the only people he trusts start to act like he's some kind of rabid animal. Your parents aren';t very good parents, are they? My father is long gone. I respect him for being a hrd worker. I think he was going crazy too in his last days, but I never put he down for it, unlike vice verse. And my mother is the worst offender, basically convicing me that I'm mentally ill. Guess what, people - I've beed through many doctors and medical commisions (when I was going to army, for example) and no one

Oh, you deserve to burn. You, with your petty meaningless threats, intended to stimulate my imagination into creating a horror scenario inside of my mind. Is it gaslighting? It might be. To be fair, I often notice myself accidentally gaslighting people. That's the only outcome of being "gaslit" for more than 20 years.

As I said, no one ever diagnosed me with mental illness. The worst diagnose that I ever got was "neurosis" from a not very emphatic pair of doctors in the army. I was speaking very slowly, because I had pneumonia, and obviously my organism couldn't spare a lot of resources on a quickly working CNS. And "neurosis" is an awfully outdated term in the western medicine.  And it's purely physical - just stress a man long enough and he'll start breaking up.

I hate people. I hate them for telling me that I don't deserve to live - but they do it indirectly. I'm awfully bitter. And coffee isn't making it much better. You know what would help me? Seeing bad people suffer and die. Or just seeing bad people disappear. That would be so great. Oh, God, why don't you fulfill my prayer? That's all I'm asking for. For bad people to disappear from my reality. Our reality - my family's reality. My family should forget about the existence of those bad people. I don't want these bad people to burn in hell, I just want them to disappear from our immediate reality. Is that too much to ask? Obviously, I'm not revealing much. I can't - it's the internet, of course. And those are the top layer of my internal thoughts. But this very much a revelation deep from within my soul. A way for my pathetic self to calm down a little bit, so I can stop slapping the wall and grabbing at my own throat and covering my face with my hands. How funny, such a buff guy being so pathetically weak mentally. Isn't that what you think? If you think that, I'd love to see your face and look into your eyes. I'd too see what kind of depravity and suffering lead you to lose a significant portion of your soul, so you let a stereotype think for you.

Well, sorry for all that. I hope I didn't insult you personally, ha ha. This is all just a joke, isn't it?
I swear, if the person that I care about keeps acting like I'm mentally ill, I'll lose a significant portion of trust in them, and I'll be one fucking step closer to killing myself. Thankfully, it wouldn't mean much, because I'm many steps away from it. I really don't want to kill myself. And I really don't want to want to kill myself. Which if why it's so frustrating that I can't just grab whoever is saying those mean things to me by the throat and squeeze the life out of them. All those mean things were said to me in the past, and now they just resonate inside of tiny skullbox, making me want to crush it and let it all out.

I'm being a tiny bit too poetic, aren't? Well, it's a nice way to cope with your shit. Just dramatize it, so it feels like a nice scary fairy tale. Something that isn't real, but so beautiful. That's why I make music. I should turn this pathetic useless internal suffering into a doom metal song, and I'll be much more free from all this bullshit. I'll be a bit closer to becoming a human robot, who only has one goal in mind, or whatever I used think about myself back in the day. A champion of humanity, a teacher to the people. That's not me, ha ha.

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Overhead press

20-40-70

90*4

100*4

102,8*4

105 - 2 sets of 4 - nice, pretty easy.

Played drums a tiny bit in 60 and 90 BPM. Didn't use cymbals, just replaced them with a snare rim on the right hand. About 15 minutes overall. Feet feel so much more even. But I can never feel like the string tension is even. First the left one felt harder, then I tuned it lighter and then the right felt harder. You just have to accept it. And it makes more sense for the right pedal to be harder, right?

11:10 PM. I'm thinking of doing a tiny bit of "accessory" work - not really accessory, since I don't have any competitive movements, ha ha. Not even overhead press and deadlift, my favorite eg(o)-cercises, ha ha.

Thinking of making some impulse purchase to alleviate all the tension in my head. Thankfully, there's nothing I really want to buy. Plus, I already made a nice impulsive purchase yesterday (chicken takeout) - and it was better than my average impulsive purchase, because I got to share it with someone, thus receiving an oxytocin surge in my brain, ha ha ha.

I guess I'll lave other exercises for later. It's better for my CNS.

Random picture of the day