25th of January

 25.01.2021

Sometimes you want to say a word that doesn't mean anything, but it would express how you feel. What would such a word be like? It'd sound funny, something like "occidiphogas". And what does it mean? A confused negative emotion of some sort. Frustration. Desire to end it all, and simultaneous hatred towards that desire. Well, I wrote it randomly, and apparently "phogas" means "fog" in hindi. How curious and fitting. I just hate being an animal, you know? And I know that I'm wrong about it. There's no reason to hate your animal side. Your stupid, mindless, carnal animal side. I'm sorry. I wish not to hate. I just have to get rid of my bad habits. After all, I just had some coffee - and thus, I am, once again, a bit uninhibited. I just wish I could stomp on myself like onto the putrid worm I am. I'm sorry. It's pathetic and revolting. I am. Why? I'm only really revolting to myself. I hope I don't hate people. I can't tell what I am and what I want. I might have split myself too hard. And now I am nothing - not an animal, not a spirit, not a human. Or at least that's how I perceive myself. Not even nothing. Not even an "a". Empty, in the truest sense of the word. And barely a reason to be like that. Desire to be perfect, leading me towards a slippery slope. Would you rather play or lose? Playing is losing. This game has no possible victory. And you can't not play - else you're even more pathetic. So I just play this game like a casual - because tryharding it would be cringe. Cringe, like all of you, pathetic worms, crawling around in your shit, searching for food. I'm sorry for saying that. I might deserve punishment. I really should stop myself from punishing myself. If only my subconscious was deaf, that'd be much better. It loves to punish me for the reasons I give it.

---

Turn off no light for thy neighbor

Let him be led by the light

In darkness, stumbling awakens

Joints crack and bodies

Fall

Apart

Let him be led by the light

The pathway clearly seen

The way that you yourself walked

Hide not, but share it with him

---

I guess I am a poet. And this is a very literal poem. Call it "Spatiare ne in caligine".

---

25.01.2021

Nice workout. Didn't listen to any music, didn't smeel iny ammonia, felt very nice and ok.

Deadlift

Once again, I feel the unneccesity of high reps even on lightest of weights while warming up for heavier weights. I have to rememeber that. What does matter though is NOT taking too long. I've only been taking about 3 minutes - plus the time I spent loading the plates.

70*5

120*5

160*5

200 - 3 sets of 5

235*1 nice and easy - not too fast though.

Well, now I can admit that I woke up at 1 AM today after sleeping through most of the sunday. I guess my body still has the hapit of falling asleep at noon. And my job doesn't help that, because I have things to do late in the evening. And thus, I am training at 10 PM today. Thankfully, I was done before twenty three o'clock. 😁

What to do now? Play some music? I feel quite exhausted from staying awake for 22 hours. Well, not completely awake. But I didn't get any normal sleep. Perhaps I should consider keeping my windows open during the day, maybe that'll help me.

Tomorrow is a relatively easy day. A recovery day.




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

October 08-09, Sunday and Monday - Bench, PP, small PR, nice Olympic style Squat

Image
 08.10.2023 Great day, feeling great. Woke up earlier than normal, worked more that usual. Feeling extra energy. The night was cold. I kept seeing dreams about (spoiler) The Emperor from BG3, hehehe 😉 Cause I watched one of his cutscenes, even though I ain't been playing yesterday. Yesterday, I was drained. I was drained on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday at night, to a varying degree. Today I feel much more fresh than I have been in a long time. Like, a part of my brain is extra creative. Also, I have been eating rather little - a couple eggs swallowed hastily, a few bananas, a few glasses of milk. Two mokas and one small conventional brew. I'm thinking of doing bench today, and PP + Squat tomorrow. Reasonable? Yes, on the surface it is reasonable. Light-medium-light bench, sets of 5, around 120. 4 sets of 5, maximum velocity, no pauses whatsoever. When you've got the same muscle strength composition as me it sort of feels easier to bench with a pause, and bumpi...
Read more

grain economic flesh

Image
 10.04.2023 Nice day. Not too bad. Sleep - 4/10, nutrition - 6/10. Ran out of coffee, used some of the robusta from the stash. Now having one, fighting the desire to lie down, cause if I lie down I'm just not gonna be able to sleep. Jammed. I figured back in the day I made a lot of these micro-songs that are guitar and bass and midi drums. So, that's one of the things that fuels creativity. You have to save them and listen to them. Then you get something. My old headphones are buzzing a lot. Might be time to buy new ones soon. *** Today's workout is 4 sets of 5 with 77,5 percent. A sixth session in the program which I've been using in defferent variations for everything. So, 77,5% of 150 would be 116. But I'm not perfectly sure if I can do that well in my current shape. So, I might want to get up to 115 starting from a lighter weight. Maybe from 110. Now that I think about it, it's actually quite doable and it's very late. I don't want to hurry. And I do...
Read more

September 14th - Engaging in a variety of hobbies at once, nonchalant grip PR

Image
 14.09.2022 DL plan - 175 for 5, 200 for 5, 210 - 5*5, 200*1 clean single, maybe even overhand. Nice day. Slept very little. Ate a lot before I went to bed, so I had no appetite when I woke up. Tried to call and message some of my clients. Coordination issues. Sometimes people just can't pick a proper time. Understandable. I often think about how humanity evolved to proritise quick decisions over slow, but 100% sure ones. Better be two times faster and 80% sure than two times slower and 99% sure, amirite? He he. Having my second coffee. Or third? Not sure. Can't remember. Today I'm trying to overstuff the moka pot. The taste is awesome, but the brewing process feels dubious. Played guitar a bit. Practicing licks, playing quickly, playing up the neck. I don't gotta play, I gotta write and record lyrics and vocals. I already made a somewhat decent verse. And I have a rough idea for the chorus. I can't believe how much slower my process has become. What is it? Playing ...
Read more